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Week 6

“Some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and everywhere such as.”  Hahahahahahahahaha that video is fucking awesome.   I also love how AC Slater is the fucking host of a teen USA pageant.   There was a Saved by the Bell where Zack enters Screech in a Miss Bayside pageant because of a bet with Slater.  This in turn makes Slater enter the pageant because he thinks if a man should win it should be him.  Well that plan backfires because Zack gets the whole school to think Slater gave Screech a black eye.   Slater should know he shouldn’t mess with Zack when it comes to a bet.   For those of you who haven’t seen that episode, Screech ends up winning in a waltz against Kelly, Lisa and Jessie (of course).

Sorry for that brief tangent.  I must try to incorporate Saved by Bell more in ParlaysandTeasers.  Anyway, this might be a truncated version as I’m burning day light here so wanted to incorporate some comedy.   Lastly, before I get to the games and reviews,  I am thinking about making some ParlaysandTeasers Tshirts or hats or some type of swag.  But I would love a tag line to go along with it, like ParlaysandTeasers.com (insert tag line here).  Maybe a reader can help me with this.

I titled this week’s edition (which is the 27th edition, by the way) as it was appropriate as how I felt throughout last weeks games.  It wasn’t looking good for while but was able to squeak out a 2-1 Best Bets week.  All things considered it was actually ended up being a nice week but it just didn’t have that feel as the last few.  But I will take 2-1’s all day long.  I also went 10-5 in the all pick section.  Let’s go look at some maps to try to find South Africa.

QUICK LEAGUE NOTES

Not really much to say here.   However, some real nice matchups this week.  Taking a look at this weeks games, there are a ton of tight spreads.   Should be an exciting week.

WEEKLY RANT

Again, we’ll have to keep this brief but if you haven’t tuned in yet, check out “Finding Giants” on NFL Network.  I think it’s pretty interesting even if it wasn’t based on the NY Football Giants.  If you haven’t seen it yet it basically follows the college scouts across the country.   I never really knew how intense the travel schedule was for these guys.  Fucking driving thousands of miles in an Altima to University of North Dakota takes a special breed.   Really interesting TV, way better than Hard knocks in my opinion.

I’m not much a college football fan and only tune in from time to time but watching the top 10 get decimated was pretty cool because I’m really looking forward to those teams who are at 5 or 6 spots bitch and complain about not getting in the playoff.  The playoff is a great step forward but there is no way it is going to appease everyone.  In fact, there will probably more outrage now because you’ll have many 1 loss teams wanting to get in, especially now since basically everyone will have at least 1 loss.

I’m fucking addicted to Candy Crush and I don’t even know how it happened.  I’m too cheap to pay for the game so when I run out of lives it says you have to wait so many minutes to start getting lives again.  I think that what it is.  If I can’t get by a level then I get so pissed that I must find a way to beat it.  Fuck you King Media I’m coming for you.  Don’t worry though you will never get one of those Candy Crush invites on Facebook from me.  Speaking of Facebook, I was on it the other day and I ended getting so confused.  I was scrolling through the News Feed thingy and  realized that I had no idea who these people were.  I noticed that on 3 posts in a row were from people I have never said 2 words to in my life.  Why the fuck am I reading this shit?  One post was from a kid’s brother in high school who I literally have met formally.  The next was from a kid in my neighborhood and he was on the same bus stop as me.  We never spoke at the bus stop nor ever in school and the last one I just have no fucking idea who the guy was.  I had to sit there and just wonder #1 why we are friends on Facebook and #2 why do I even bother reading the garbage.  I use to say to myself it’s a good way to stay in contact with people.  Then I realized that the people that know me all have my cell phone number or email or have the means to get it.  Facebook was great when it first came out because you could stalk broads from your past or new ones you might meet.  Now with all the privacy stuff that’s gone by the wayside.

Lastly, my worries of Unsolved Mysteries becoming repeats were unfounded.  I think they might just replay some on the weekends because the last 2 weeks have been nothing but murders and lost loves for Hal.

 VIDEO OF THE WEEK

I found this one while I was searching for the Miss South Carolina above.   Which one do you think is worse?  In my opinion, the South Carolina is far worse for 2 reasons.  #1 It seems like Utah just had a brain fart and couldn’t articulate what she was trying to say while South Carolina is probably partially retarded.    #2 Utah is way more of a wouldn’t that South Carolina and that friends is not up for debate.

MY WEEKLY FANTASY LINEUP (SALARY CAP 60K)

This is where I really let myself down last week.   I hit on a few like Eli, Murray and Lions D but the rest of my execution was garbage.   I got beat pretty handily.   Here’s looking at you Sankey.  I tried to get too cute last week.  Here’s my winning team this week.  Again, playing head to head vs come cunt in cyberspace.

QB E Manning $7200 (he’s actually worth less this week.  Makes no sense)

RB M Lynch $9200

RB B Oliver $6200

WR A Brown  $8900

WR E Sanders $8000

WR R Randle $5900 (I might switch him out but there are not many receivers at this price point)

TE T Wright $5200

K R Gould $4600

D Packers $4800

SURVIVOR POOL PICK OF THE WEEK

This is the second time this year where I had come to grips that I was being eliminated only to get saved at the end of the day.  Saints barely pulled it out last week.  This week’s pick took me about 3 seconds.  It’s the only one on the board for me.  A whale’s vagina.   As much as I hate picking the Chargers in anything, they are playing Oakland.  I mean come on.  The only loser last week in my pool was Detroit where maybe a dozen or so had.   I’m not sure of total left as I haven’t received the email but it’s around 100.

HAL’S WEEK 6 PICKS (Hal’s not picking any over/unders, just straight games baby)

NFL WEEK 6 Linesjpg_Page1WEEK 5 GAMES PRETTY SOLID REVIEW

NFL WEEK 5 Lines resultsjpg_Page1LAST WEEK & YTD RESULTS

Week 4 Results 10-5

YTD Results 35-41

Week 4 Best Bets 2-1

Best Bets YTD 10-5

Parlays YTD 1-0

Teasers YTD 1-0

Quote of the Week

This week’s from one of the best

“There’s a critical point, where you’ve stayed single too long, that your brain switches from “No don’t say that” to “Eh, fuck it.  Say it.  See what happens.”

–Bill Burr

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peytonOur first week is in the books and it wasn’t anything to write home about but it was an epic disaster either.   Both the SU records and ATS records need to be improved on but for our first week back into the swing of things I’ll take it.   I started off real nice with the early games but the late games really went against me.  I tallied all last week’s games at the bottom of the page.   We’re coming out guns blazing this week though with what I feel are some solid picks all around.  Lots of crazy lines this week headlined by the Jags/Broncos game.

 I was watching TV the other night and I noticed that there were #’s everywhere.  Every fucking show had # then something, I assume for twitter.    This must be the queerest thing in the world.  Even worse is the word Hashtag.  When the fuck did this become an acceptable word?  Hashtag?   I can only testify that from the late 70’s to the early 2010’s the word hashtag was never uttered anywhere near my presence.  Where I grew up that thing was called the fucking number sign or the tic tac toe sign for the less inclined.   That was it, there was no such thing as a hash tag.  Maybe some typist out in Bismark, ND called it a hash tag but that’s about it.  The absolute worst is when I hear something, usually on TV on those gay gossip shows(I’m kidding I sort of like those shows), when they throw out multiple hashtags in a row to express how they are feeling.  For example:

 #mycuntsmells

#vagisil

#muchbetternow

 I was on the phone with my tech desk at work to reset a password and I’m talking to some fuck probably out in India who keeps calling me Mr. Scott.  Whenever you have to reset a password nowadays is like getting a launch sequence code that’s going to start WW III.   Don’t they know I’m going to change it to vagina#19 anyway.  The guy was giving the new temporary password letter by letter.  It was something like R5m%QWP5421:P087}{Fucku but then he ended it with the # and actually said the number sign.  I almost lost my shit and I went into a very similar diatribe that you see above.  I was ready to tell his supervisor he needed an immediate raise and a corner office.  Needless to say the Indian guy didn’t find my any of my thoughts enlightening and wished me a nice day.

 Let’s look into the this week’s games:

 NYG @ Da Bears (-8.5)

The Giants are just a disaster.  They are 3-10 in their last 13 games.  Everyone of their games has been decided by more than 10 points.  Until the offense shows they can stop turning the ball over and the defense can stop someone when it matters, I don’t see how you can bet on them.  It’s like a stock that’s getting crushed you never want to step in and try to catch the falling knife.  What’s crazy is they are still only 2 games out of the first place in the NFC least.   I know there is a fair share of readers attending the game and I’m very jealous.  The GMen being 0-5 takes the sting out of it a touch but there is nothing better than a tailgate.  You all will receive a subscription of Ditka quarterly for attending.  Enjoy the game fellas!   Da Bears 31  Giants 21

Oh by the way,  last time the Giants and Bears played this happened:

PIT @ NYJ (-1.5)

OK, I was dead wrong about the Jets last week.  How in the world did they beat Atlanta in the dome?  Can they keep it up against a winless Pittsburgh team?  Can they build on a very impressive win?  The answer ladies and gentlemen is a resounding NO even though the Steelers are brutal! Fuck the Jets… Steelers 17 Jets 16

 DET @ CLE (+2.5)

There are a bunch of home dogs this week and here’s the first.   That’s a big home dawg.  Ever since Cleveland supposedly tanked their season and traded their best player, they are 2-0.  There defense is legit.  Weeden looked OK in relief getting his job back after the Hoyer injury.  Browns 20 Lions 17

 CAR @ MINN(-2.5)

Just like I said last week Cam Newton is the most inconsistent play in the league.  They looked like shit against the Cardinals.  Minnesota hasn’t named a starting QB as of time of this writing so that’s that.  I would probably rather do anything else besides watch this game.  Panthers 17 Vikings 14

 CIN @ BUF (+7.5)

Another home dog but I think this one plays out as the line indicates.  I think the Bills are starting Thad Lewis as the QB.   You probably know Thad Lewis from nowhere.  You’ve never heard of him.  Bengals 31 Bills 13

 PHI @ TB (+1.5)

Both teams aren’t good but the Eagles suck worse.  Nick Foles is going to start and the only other time he started a game came last year vs the Bucs and he shredded them. Eagles 24 Bucs 20

 OAK at KC (-9.5)

KC just seems like that gay team that will go 13-3 even though they are terrible and boring to watch but will lose by 20 in the first round of the playoffs to a far superior team with a worse record.  Chefs 24 Raiders 13

 GB @ BALT(+3.5)

2 teams that are just all over the map.  You never know what you are going to get from either of these teams.  That being said I’ll take Balt at home with more than a field goal even though I think they lose.  Pack 27 Ravens 24

 STL @ HOU (-7.5)

You should be real proud of yourself St. Louis you beat the Jags.  You’re still awful.  Houston is in a rut right now but there are far too many good players on that team for them to shit the bed so early.  Matt Schaub not throwing pick 6’s would help out the cause for sure.   After last week’s game people fans up at his house.  http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2013/10/08/fans-confront-matt-schaub-at-his-home/

That got me thinking about how weird that is.  Imaging coming home from a tough day at work and you’re finally sitting on the couch in your boxers eating peanut butter cookies watching House Hunters.  You get a knock on the door and some cunt clad in your companies gear is ranting and raving about how bad you were that day.   Worse part of that whole thing is they probably knock on your door just about the time the couple on the show makes their house selection and by the time you get back an episode of house hunters international starts.  I fucking hate house hunters international.   It’s always some dicklicker who has this great job and basically travels the world every few years and now has to find a flat in Rome or some shit.   Fuck en that show’s fake any way.    http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2012/06/14/house_hunters_is_fake_here_s_why_it_matters.html

 Texans 21 Rams 13

 JAC @ DEN (-26.5)

Holy fuck, basically 4 Touchdown difference spread.  This has to be the betting game of the week.   The problem as I see it betting on the Broncos is how much are they really going to put it their foot on the pedal in the second half.  The game clearly is going to be out of reach and if it’s say 35-0 at the end of the 3rd quarter I don’t know how many starters will play.  Manning, I doubt, will be in the game at that point.   This one has me really torn.  However, I just can’t see Jacksonville scoring enough points at the end of the day to cover even on some gay backdoor cover.  Broncos 45 Jags 7

 TEN @ SEA (-13.5)

You’re the only Ten I see.  I’m sorry I apologize for that.   Another big fucking spread though, Jesus.   I don’t love the Seattle offense at all giving that many points but I think their D will have no problem handling the Tennessee O.  Seahawks 21-Titans 3

 NO @ NE (-2.5)

I’m all over the Saints if this game is in the Big Easy but in Foxboro it’s a different story.  NE doesn’t’ lose many back to back games and they don’t lose much at home however I’ll take the Saints with the points.  Pats 31 Saints 30

 ARI @ SF(-11.5)

San Fran looked like they got their act together last week a little bit but I would be worried about their passing game if I was them.   Kaepernick doesn’t look like the same guy.  If you notice these pistol offense guys like him and RG III look like shit because the league has figured them out.   Neither are outstanding passers, they are good at best but in this league you need a pure drop back passer.  I mean look at what Manning and Romo did last week in terms of production.  Guys like Kaepernick need to run to be fully effective.  I don’t know where that tangent came from.  I was going to talk about gays in the city of San Francisco.  49ers 24 Cards 17

 WAS @ DAL(-5.5)

Romo Romoed himself last week but he played an unbelievable game in all seriousness.  He stood toe to toe with the MVP and almost pulled it out.  I think they’ll handle the Redskins this week.  Boys 30 Redskins 24

 IND @ SD (+1.5)

The Cots have beat San Fran and Seattle.   The Chargers haven’t and last week they proved that it wasn’t Norv Turner.   It’s just that team.  They will never be consistently good.  Colts 27 Bolts 20

Last Week ATS Record 6-8

Season ATS Record 6-8

Last Week SU Record 7-7

Season SU Record 7-7

Family Guy Quote

Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it. Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and ran, I guess he got away with it. But after today, only half of the people who called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it. – Peter Griffin