Week 5 Welcome back

nfl logoWe are back and better than ever with a whole new year of football wagers.  We missed the first quarter of the season but who gives a fuck.   I’ve decided to use a different betting method this year.    We’re going with picking every game with the spread.  I find this to be the creme de la creme of football wagering acumen.   There was too much math last year with picking teasers and parlays.  It took too long to do that shit so this way its much easier and I enjoy picking all of the games.   I kept the name of the blog because parlays and teasers is a tits name.  I might throw in a bonus parlay or something every now and again if we are feeling spicy.   But all in all the format will basically be the same, I’ll tell a stupid story or get something off my chest first, then pick games, and finally tally everything for the week and the year at the end.   And away we go into week 5……..

Me and the misses went to Buy Buy Baby the other day to look at things for a baby registry.  I didn’t even know what a Buy Buy Baby was until about an hour before we went there.  Supposedly, its the same company as Bed Bath & Beyond so you get to use those 20% coupons.  I love those fucking coupons.  Anytime I’m in Bed Bath & Beyond I find myself searching for the most expensive thing so the coupon has as much power as possible.  It’s such a thrill to have cashier ring up the item and then tell me the full retail price.  I love making such a scene by slapping the poor hippie cashier in the mouth with my cardboard coupon all while announcing my huge savings to the rest of the store.   That has to be the best way to shop.  Anyway,  Buy Buy Baby gives you this private shopper tour type thing where they are supposed to show you the different baby gadgets and doo hickies.   It gets you prepped for all the crap you need to purchase.  The problem was our private tour “person” was all tweaked out (shocking in south Florida) and reeked of cigarettes.   She was moving a mile a minute and brings us from one side of the store to another and there was no flow to anything so old Hal was getting confused and tired.  My head was spinning with so many different baby products I decided my best path to seem like I was still paying attention was to start checking the weights of everything by lifting things.  I’m sitting there lifting baby stroller travel systems going “This isn’t too heavy sweetie, you should be able to pick this in the trunk by yourself.”   That was my go to move when I didn’t understand or just didn’t want to listen any more I just started picking things up.   It’s a solid move in really any shopping experience that you have checked out on.  I’m lifting bassonettes and changing tables over my head like its a strong man competition.  I should be just a dynamite father.

This weeks games:

Buf @ Cle(-4.5)

I never thought in my life time I would actually like the Browns giving 4.5 to anyone.   Their D is pretty solid.  Browns 24-Bills 17

NO @ Chi(-1.5)

Seems like a total trap line with the Saints being undefeated and Da Bears coming off a tough loss.   The Saints D is much improved though and I like them to continue their winning streak.   Regardless, if you only do one thing on this blog  you must watch this video. Much of it you probably have seen before as its a cut up of various Superfans one liners but there are some great things in here.  Watch the whole thing and you wont be sorry but in particular watch the 1:05 minute mark and also the 2:08 minute mark.  They are especially relevant for this week’s game.  A quick spoiler, Bob Swerski has a Saints and Bears jersey glued together with Nacho cheese.   Saints 28-DA Bears 24

NE @ Cin(-1.5)

See above as again seems like a trap line and I’m taking the bait again. Pats 27-Bengals 20

Det @ GB(-6.5)

According to covers.com, Since 2001, teams coming off the bye week are 201-172-3 SU and 201-166-9 ATS in the regular season – an ATS winning percentage of 54 percent. Last year, teams coming off the bye week went 15-15-2 SU and 18-14 ATS.

That’s better than 50-50 which is far superior to my normal system of picking randomly. Pack 35-Lions 24

KC(-2.5) @ Tenn

This sounds like and will be the most boring game of the year.  2 offenses that run and throw 3 yard passes every drive.  Sounds like a real party.  I’m pretty sure Ryan Fitzpatrick is going to get into the mix.  Jesus Christ!  Chefs 16-Titans 9

Sea(-2.5) @ Indy

The line on this one is all over the board right now, it ranges from Sea -1 to Sea -3 and everything in between.  I want to like Indy but I’m not sure who that team is just yet. Seahawks 24-Colts 21

Jville @ STL(-11.5)

Upset Special.  Fuck off St Louis, you shouldn’t be giving double digit points to anyone, I don’t care how bad the Jags are. Jags 17-Rams 16

Balt @ MIA(-3.5)

One of the toughest plays this week in my opinion.  You would think that the Ravens bounce back after a really bad loss but I don’t think they do.   Fins have been good at home recently 5-0 ATS at home their last 5. Fins 20-Ravens 14

Philly trash @ NYG(-2.5)

The dogshit bowl.  I have no clue which of these teams even deserves a win.  Whoever does though puts themselves in contention in the NFC least.  It’s a joke to think about but it’s true.   Eagles 24-Gmen 20

CAR(-2.5) @ AZ

See above with the teams coming off a bye thing even though Cam Newton is the most inconsistent player in the league.  Panthers 24-Cards 17

Den(-7.5) @ Dal

I’m not seeing how the 26th ranked pass D is going to stop Peyton Manning.  That fuck is crazy good right now.  Broncos 38-Cowboys 28

Hou @ San Fran(-7.5)

That seems like a lot of points for SF to be laying.  Houston was one bad quarter away from beating the Seahawks.   Houston may not win but I think they cover a TD plus.  49ers 27-Texans 24

SD(-4.5) @ Oak

Since San Diego had a nice win last week there is nothing to do but bet against them this week.  If you deliberately stay up to watch this game you have major issues.  If you’re watching this game live to see how Philip Rivers does because your down by 10 points in your fantasy football matchup then stop playing fantasy football.    Kickoff is at 11:35pm Eastern Sunday night cause of a conflict with the A’s playoff game.   Chargers 24-Raiders 23

NYJ @ ATL(-9.5)

J E T S get slaughtered and the ultimate demise of Rex Ryan is almost complete. Falcons 31-Jets 10

Last Week ATS Record 0-0

Season ATS Record 0-0

Last Week SU Record 0-0

Season SU Record 0-0

Leaving you with Family Guy Quote (I pretty much ran dry the best My Blue Heaven quotes last year so we’ll go with the more abundant Family Guy)

“Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you – very homosexually.”  –Peter Griffin

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