Monthly Archives: December 2012

We’re going to keep this nice and quick as I’m doing this on the iPhone and its the holiday season do be doo. Just a quick review from last week:

We won our 1 winner with Carolina beating a lifeless San Diego team. Lost the parlay because the lions are terrible by losing to Arizona. Lost the teaser cause the giants are the epitome of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde and get fucking killed the the falcons. Net loss $5.

Week 16 picks

1 winner $50
San Fran +1.5 +100

1 parlay $25
Indy -6.5 +100
Saints +2.5 +100

1 teaser $25
Bengals +9.5
Patriots -9.5
Vikings +15.5

I’ll update totals and amounts next week and will be back with another my blue heaven quote. Happy holidays everyone!




Oh Jesussssssss……..We took another one on the chin.  We’re in a funk right now and I need to get out of this.   I spoke about trap lines last week and I got suckered into the trapiest (pretty sure that’s not a word) of lines with an 11-1 Houston team getting points.   That was very dumb on my part.   I really didn’t expect the teaser to win as I was taking a real long shot for a big payoff which would have been nice.  However, I had delusions of grandeur when Jamal Charles took the first play of the game for an 80 yard TD scamper.  I was preparing Nostradamus lines and shit.   I bought a crystal ball and some old raggedy clothes as I was preparing for a new life of a soothsayer.    Unfortunately, that was the only thing that went right for the Chefs so I’m back in my office slinging stocks.    The teaser was real close but I forgot that St. Louis and Buffalo are terrible and cant score more than 30 points combined.   I have no idea why I picked those 2 teams.  I’m so happy that the Rams are saddled with the last big rookie contract with Sam Bradford guaranteed 50 million which sounds like a real good deal.   The Bills will eventually be relocated to either Toronto or London because Buffalo is fucking terrible.  Has anyone ever been there before?  I went to a wedding there and I can’t describe how horrible it is.  It’s not Philly horrible or super dirty like Detroit but every second you are there your brain tries to wrap around the idea that you’re in Buffalo and you just shouldn’t be.   There are only 2 good things about the Buffalo area.  The first is the donut chain Tim Hortons.  Its probably a half step up from Dunkin Donuts but it’s a pretty solid place.   As you can probably ascertain, if the most memorable thing about your city is a donut joint that is only slightly better than Dunkin Donuts you really don’t have much going for you.  I also just realized that I haven’t been to a Dunkin Donuts where I wasn’t served by an Indian in a really long time.  I’m talking call center Indian not casino Indian.  Why is that?   The only other halfway decent thing about Buffalo is that it’s only about an hour and a half from Niagara Falls.   Now, this is probably no fun to go to when your in your mid 30’s but I remember going there being 19 and it was like Disney world for an under age degenerates as everything is legal.  Drinking, Gambling and strip clubs with a depressed Canadian dollar so everything was half off as far as we were concerned.   That was a great trip.

Back to business……..Allow me to use just one last overused line of “what ever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.”  I have learned from my mistakes and I will not allow that to happen again.  I’m bearing down this week.  I think we can find some value in Week 15 and get ourselves back to the positive level.

Let’s review last week’s shitshow:

Lose $50 on  Houston vs NE +3.5 (42-14)

Lose $40.00 on Cleveland Money Line + 245 and over 37.5 (30-7)

Lose $30.00 on STL/BUF over 35.5 (L), Baltimore +8.5 vs Redskins (W), Miami +18.5 vs 49ers (W)

Week 14 Loss ($120.00) shitshow



Carolina +2.5 at The Whales Vagina +110

Carolina has won 2 of 3 and their one loss was against the Chefs right after the Belcher situation so they get a pass there from me on that and they had that game won.  The Bolts somehow just beat Pittsburgh and I think that was one of those lets “win one more for coach” so we can quit the rest of the season type wins.  Norv Turner has to get fired at the end of the year.   I see Carolina as one of those teams right now who would be pretty dangerous if they didn’t completely shit the bed in the first half of the year..  Cam Newton has righted his ship and has played at a much higher level now than earlier in the season where he was pretty pedestrian.     I think Vegas is thinking the same thing as all things being equal, SD should be favored by more being at home.


Bet $50 to win $55.00


I was definitely kicking myself for not picking Seattle last week.  In hindsight, that was probably the most obvious play in the last few weeks.  Seattle rolls at home and Arizona might not be the worst team but they definitely have the worst QB situation.  That leads me into my next pick which is Detroit -5.5 over AZ.  I hope I’m not a week too late on this but Arizona looks hopeless to score points and Detroit should be able to score enough to cover.   I’m going to parlay this with GB -3.5 at Da Bears and I apologize up front to the Bears fan readers of this here blog.   I think it will be a close game but I think that some teams just match up against certain team better.   Da Bears are a little banged up right now with Cutler not being 100%, they just lost Robbie Gould and no Urlacher.  I think the matchups just favor GB a little bit more this week.

DET -5.5  at AZ -110

GB -3.5 at Da Bears +100

PREDICTIONS: DET 24-3 & GB 27-21

BET $30 to Win $84.55

1 TEASER (using 6.5 points this week)

Our teaser percentage is only 20% and that needs to get better.  With the exception of the first week we have either won all 3 or have gone 2 out of 3 so I think it just a matter of getting smarter picks in play to start getting back to the winner’s circle.    One of these days were going to go 3-0 and I hope its this week to get back into the black.  We are running out of time so its time to bear down and get this shit in order.  I really like this teaser as I like getting these points with all of these teams.

PITT +5.5 at Dallas

INDY +16.5 at Houston

NYG +7.5 at ATL

PREDICTIONS: Dallas wins by 1, Houston wins by 10, NYG wins by 3

BET $30.00 To Win $45.00

TOTAL WEEK 15  BETS: $110 to win $184.55


YTD PROFIT/LOSS: (-67.71) (Our first steps into the red)

1 WINNER % (2-3 – 40%)

1 PARLAY % (2-3 – 40%)

1 TEASER % (1-4 – 20%)


“I know this guy. His whole life is fishing, but he caught too many fish. So he asked me, would I keep some fish in my freezer. But I don’t have any room in my freezer on account of another guy I know giving me a side of beef. So he put the fish in my trunk while the weather’s cold, unbeknownst to me.”



Well we were going along pretty nicely there cashing tickets for 3 weeks straight but we hit our first 0-3 this week.   All that talk about cake and pie skewed my thinking and it wont happen again.  In hindsight the picks weren’t terrible.   It appeared the straight winner was going to uphold up and get us a breakeven until Detroit decided it cant hold a 12 point lead with 4 minutes left in the game.   We hit 1 of out 2 on the parlay where the Patriots decided that they were a ball control offense and basically put the game away with very long time consuming drive in the 4th quarter.   The teaser we hit 2 of 3 but the ATL/NO shootout never materialized with Drew Brees throwing a uncharacteristic 5 picks.

I’m not about to throw in the towel over one week.    However, we shall get up from the floor and dust ourselves off and get back to it.   Allow me to use some other overused announcer or color man  sayings that further explain:

Its not how you start it how you finish.

All good cornerbacks have short memories.

Its not a sprint its a marathon.

Let’s review the carnage:

Lose $55 on Detroit Lions -4.5 vs Indianapolis Colts (35-33)

Lose $30.00 on NE/MIA Over 50.5 & DEN/TB Over 49½(23-16, 31-23)

Lose $30.00 on Saints/Falcons over 48.5, Green Bay -2.5 vs Vikings, Bears/Seahawks over 30.5  (23-13, 23-14, 23-17)

Week 13 Loss ($115.00)



Houston Texans +3.5 at Patriots +105

It’s matchup of the 2 best teams in the AFC.  I’m liking the Texans here and I’m looking at them to do some damage in the playoffs as well.  They can control the ball with their running game and sustain some long drives to keep Brady off of the field.  Houston is 6-0 straight up on the road this year and NE is only 2-3 ATS at home.   It should be be one of the better Monday night games all year and I see the Texans as a more complete overall team right now.


Bet $50 to win $52.50


There are a ton of doshit lines that either look like traps or teams I would never want to cheer for.  Speaking of dogshit, we rescued a dog from the Humane Society a couple of weeks ago(I know, I know I’m a pretty solid human being).   It’s been a few years since I’ve had to pick up dogshit since my last dog Big Baby Bear or Triple B as she was know on the WWF circuit.  The other day I was waiting for the new dog take a dump and she looked over her shoulder during the pooping process like she was going to really enjoy watching me pick up the load she was dropping on the ground.  It was almost as if she knew she ate something that was going to make me throw up form the smell.    She was correct.  It got me thinking how cool it would be if you could hire someone to walk around with you and pick up your own human poop.   Obviously, this would be contingent on humans being able to crap in public and on someones yard which I’m going to assume is currently  against the law.    But if for some reason that law was lifted I would be the first one putting out an ad in the classified section under “personal human poop collector wanted.”  I wonder how much of a wage you would have to pay for something like that.  It would have to be more than just a janitorial salary scale because its much more personal, I’m just saying.

How is this for a segway?  From human pooping to real life tragedy (We cover everything in this blog)…….On a more serious note for real……I’m going to try something a little different on the parlays and shoot for a bigger win.   The KC chiefs story with Javon Belcher murder suicide is absolutely terrible.   From a betting perspective they will either come out like gangbusters or shit the bed.  Last week they came out and played a very clean game for a win against Carolina.  I think they carry that momentum and play out this stretch of games in a competitive fashion using the tragedy as motivation.   I like taking them on the moneyline this week where they are +245 which seems like fantastic value playing the Browns.    I mean the Browns should never be a 2.5x favorite against anyone.  This is kinda a shot in the dark but will pay off real nice it it works.   I’ll go ahead and parlay this with the over in the same game which also looks a tad low given the Browns have been able to score some points.

Kansas City over Cleveland moneyline  +245

KC/CLE Over 37.5  -110


BET $40 to Win $223.45

1 TEASER (using 6.5 points this week)

Not a fan of the teaser this week and the last time I said that we won it a few weeks ago so lets try the same strategy.  Here they are:

STL/BUF over 35.5

Baltimore +8.5 vs Redskins

Miami +18.5 vs 49ers

PREDICTIONS: BUF 28-17, Balt lose by 3,  Miami Lose by 10

BET $30.00 To Win $45.00

TOTAL WEEK 14 BETS: $120 to win $320.95


YTD PROFIT/LOSS: +52.29 (Hey we are still positive)

1 WINNER % (2-2 – 50%)

1 PARLAY % (2-2 – 50%)

1 TEASER % (1-3 – 25%)

I would like to add a final segment to this blog entitled:

MY BLUE HEAVEN QUOTE OF THE WEEK – one of the greatest movies for quotes of all time. This week’s:

“OK how about this? You sell me my double scotch, and you sell my friend his double scotch, but instead of putting his double scotch on his tray, you put it on mine and I’ll pay you for both. By the way have I told you that you look lovely in red and blue… Pam”