(Kinda lame but the Keyshawn and Strahan ones are pretty awesome)

Another shit week in Hal Verl’s land of picks.  Just a flat out ass whipping the lines makers gave me.  However, 2-1 in the Best bets is at least a step in the right direction and I will unveil my first parlay of the year below to spice things up in Week 3.

QUICK LEAGUE NOTES

Man oh man oh man….it’s just getting worse by the day for the league with these guys.  If the teams and league just came out immediately and disciplined these guys as soon as these events took place then there would be no outcry.  It’s pretty unreal how all of this is going down.  If I’m the NFL I start airing things on their own network that shows the other hundreds of guys who have great stories or are positive role models to try to get some positive stuff out there.  There’s only so much child abusing, wife beating news fans can take.  It’s gotten to the point where its just exhausting.  I don’t want to see pictures of kids whip marks.   I think it’s pretty safe to say that you won’t see AP or Greg Hardy joining Ray Rice on the sidelines for the rest of the year.

Minus all the parties involved in the various stories, the biggest idiot I have heard has to be Reggie Bush.  In case you missed it, he was interviewed on WFAN yesterday and basically said that he would consider using a switch on his kid depending on what the kid did.  Are you fucking retarded?  Even if you were thinking about disciplining your kid that way, why in the world would you tell the nation that?   I guess that USC education isn’t all that great after all.   What a fucking douche!

As far as the games on the field, there are 8 games that the spread is a field goal or less.  That’s pretty amazing and since no one in the media is interested talking about the games then I will.  The fucking penalties have gone from stupid to absurd.  They really can’t call any actual penalties because a flag for illegal contact is being thrown every play.   I remember when they use to call holding on the offensive line.  This has gone by the wayside.   Now they only call it unless it’s blatantly obvious.    I really thought that once the regular season started it would calm down but it seems to have gotten worse.  I had a great idea while watching last weeks games during a 15 minute stretch where I saw no less than 15 flags thrown while channel surfing.  About half of them I’m still trying to figure out what the ref saw.    Here’s my idea, the receiver and the DB have to hold each other’s cocks while running down the field.  You have to make a one handed catch while holding the other player’s dingy.   If you take your other hand off his schlong to attempt to make a catch then it’s a flag.  This goes for both offensive and defensive players.  However, if you pull you hand off to rub the other players balls then the flag is picked up.  The game is getting to the point where it’s being this gay.

Lastly, I saw a stat during the Ravens game that said Billy Cundiff was 63 of 63 in FG from inside 30 yards.  Now that’s not a tough kick but you would have thought a bad snap or a slip here and there would cause you to miss maybe 1.  That’s probably proof they really need to do something with the field goals to make them more difficult because these guys make 50+ yarders with regularity.  I remember when a 50 yarder was a crazy distance to hit.

WEEKLY RANT

The Direct TV world’s most powerful fan commercials are pretty fucking gay.  That’s pretty much it.   I’m sorry I’m really lacking in this department.  My alternative to football called cockball (see above) would probably be considered my weekly rant.

Oh, I watched the Saved By the Bell, unauthorized movie the other day.  It was fucking terrible.  Actually, speaking of TV, I DVR the reruns of Unsolved Mysteries and watch them usually in the mornings as I’m getting my bearings in the morning in my office.  I do this because Unsolved Mysteries is the Tits.  Now, these are the remakes with Dennis Faurina and not the original ones with Robert Stack but they are still awesome.  I’ve been doing this for the last few weeks and there already have been 3 mysteries (all murders) that were based out of Fort Lauderdale.  I’m surprised the whole fucking show isn’t based out of there.  The most recent one I saw was something that happened in the early 2000’s.  A hotel manager in the Lauderdale by the sea had taken over some land that stopped a guy from having direct beach access.    So this guy hires someone to pour oil in the shitty little hotel’s pool and also dumped acid on the guys bushes in an attempt to get this manager fired.  When this didn’t work he hired the same guy to throw the same acid in the manager’s face while coming out of Publix one day.  The guy dies a horrible excruciating death a few days later.   They eventually catch everyone involved but I’m shocked that sometime like this could happen in such a normal place like Fort Liquordale.

VIDEO OF THE WEEK

How have I never seen this before?  I’ve been singing this song for about 20 minutes and it keeps getting better.

MY WEEKLY FANTASY LINEUP (SALARY CAP 60K)

Last week I came in 4th of 5 so no winnings and I was only 9 points out of 2nd.  I find that pretty impressive considering I started a child abuser at RB 1 and paid $8800 for him only to be deactivated for the game.  I’ve learned 2 valuable lessons in the process.  #1 Try not to start felons in your lineup.  #2 Never choose a Fan Duel game that starts for the Thursday night games because once the game on Thursday night starts your entire lineup cannot be edited.  From now on I will only be playing in the games that start on Sunday.  This way your lineup can be changed up until the 1 pm games.  You live and you learn I guess.  I also went around and looked at some of the winners in various games and noticed a definite trend.  It’s all about finding the backups or fringe starters who are cheap but can give you some OK points.  This way you can spend on some big players.  That’s what I did this week.  With all the injuries going on I was able to find awesome value at QB & RB and put those resources into the receiving core.  My receivers this week are stacked.   I’m going to try the same league type with the 5 guys to win 5x minus the 10% VIG.   I’m loving this lineup this week though.  I think this is the week I break through.

QB K Cousins $6800

RB K Davis $7000

RB K Robinson $4700

WR J Nelson $8600

WR D Bryant $8600

WR C Johnson $9000

TE L Donnell $4900

K  A Vinatieri $5000

D Patriots $5400

SURVIVOR POOL PICK OF THE WEEK

There was 331 entries in the pool I’m in which is a $8275 prize pool.   It’s now down by about half already just 2 weeks in thanks to NO & SF last week.   I’m taking New England which is again by far the largest favorite on the board @ home vs Oakland.   If you look at New England’s schedule, they really don’t have a game remaining left in their schedule where you would have a ton of confidence in like this week. Especially since the AFC East looks improved as a whole.   This was a no brainer for me.

If you say, “Hal, you’re a douche bag that’s a terrible pick”.  Here’s an alternative pick for you Monday Morning Quarterbacks Cunts:  Bengals (FYI….My alternate pick of the Saints lost last week.  That is why you take the surest thing you can)

HAL’S WEEK 3 PICKS 

NFL WEEK 3 Lines picjpg_Page1

Here comes the first parlay of the season…..I am going to 2 team parlay the overs in the Balt/Cle & Phi/Wash Games.  I also think you can back up the truck on both of those games.   By far I think the 2 best games this year.  

WEEK 2 GAMES SHITTY REVIEW

Cunts…..it really didn’t get any better.  My only solace is going 2-1 in the Best Bets but besides that what a flaming pile of dog shit.  I ain’t stopping though.  This fucking train is going onward and upward.  

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LAST WEEK & YTD RESULTS

Week 2 Results 5-11

YTD Results 11-21

Week 2 Best Bets 2-1

Best Bets YTD 2-4

Quote of the Week

This week’s:

“Life is not that complicated.  You get up, you go to work, eat three meals, take one good shit and you go back to bed.  What’s the fucking mystery?”

-George Carlin

eliface

I thought the title of this post was rather spot on.  I could use it to describe multiple things from this past week.  I could have used it to describe my picks from last week (especially me Best Bets).  I could have used it to describe watching the New York Football Giants play football.  Lastly, I could have used it to describe the shit storm that is about to hit the NFL with this Ray Rice thing which is about to spiral out of control with large ramifications.  More on this below

QUICK LEAGUE NOTES

Can there ever be an NFL season where there isn’t huge controversy about something off the field?  It’s getting tiresome and the media attention that it receives because the league is so popular is nauseating.  This Ray Rice thing is going to get really bad.  Executives in the league will be fired and there will be a ton of heat on Goodell.  They fucked this up from the get go with the original suspension.  Then once a “new” video comes to light all hell breaks loose.  The league saw that video or someone in the league saw the video and hoped it would go away.   It’s not like the crime changed after this video came out.  Regardless of what video was produced, he still knocked out a broad.  Where was all this outrage prior to the video coming out from the league or the team.  It’s just like everything in our pathetic society where as soon as it gets into your living room then it’s not OK.  If it happens outside our little bubbles then fuck it, you can knockout bitches and hoes all you want.

WEEKLY RANT

I unfortunately really don’t have much to rant about as I wrote down some things this past week and I lost the piece of paper.   I have since totally forgot what I wrote down, hence the reason I wrote it down in the first fucking place.  I’ll rant in the section below.

VIDEO OF THE WEEK

I like to post things on the comical side but this week, I read about this and thought it would be good to post.  This cunt face is the reason why sports fans are general terrible.  This guy probably couldn’t name 2 other players on the team because if you actually watched the Giants play you would quickly realize their problems run far deeper than the QB position.  Has Eli been good the last season plus?  No, he’s been terrible but the entire team has been brutal.  The main reason stems from the lack of drafting of quality players over the last couple of years which forced them to try to fill holes in free agency which has never worked before.    You have a million new starters playing and it shows.  No consistency or continuity.

Back to this ass clown, he probably expects to win the Super Bowl every year.  How many rings does Peyton have? 1.  How many rings does Brees have? 1.  How many rings does Rodgers have? 1.  When was the last time Brady won a super Bowl?  I’m pretty sure it was in Bush’s first term.  You see where I’m going with this.   It’s the deal with the devil you have to make.  Giants fans have received 2 epic runs that has been surrounded by the majority of time mediocre football.  It is what it is.  This is how it works.

OK, I’m done with that.  Here’s a fat girl falling off a rope swing for everyone who made it through the last couple paragraphs.

MY WEEKLY FANTASY LINEUP (SALARY CAP 60K)

Last week I came in 3rd of 5 so no winnings (I scored 95 but the winner has 148).  You needed to have Julius Thomas to have a really good shot at winning and in fact the guy who won had Julius. On to the next week, and I’m going to try the same league type with the 5 guys to win 5x minus the 10% VIG.  I’ve noticed that the value really comes in with the WR.  I’m loving this weekly league stuff too by the way.  There is no watching guys for an entire season or worrying about having tough luck where you might score a ton of points but not have a good record.  It’s on to the next week and nothing else to worry about.

QB Brees $9400

RB A Peterson $8800

RB R Jennings $6700

WR J Edelman $6400

WR A Boldin $6400

WR K Benjamin $6600

TE M Bennett $6100

K  R Gould $4600

D Buccaneers $4900

SURVIVOR POOL PICK OF THE WEEK

Here is a new section and since I’m in a survivor pool then I might as well include it.  There was 331 entries in the pool I’m in which is a $8275 prize pool.   Last week, I sweated out the Eagles and actually at about  2:30 I had already gotten over the fact I was being eliminated in week 1.   I thought if you are going to be eliminated it might as well be in week 1 so this way you don’t have to put the work in to make picks for a few weeks only to get eliminated a few weeks later.  However, I survived and have moved on to week 2.   The good news for me is that almost 125 teams lost out. The Bears were the biggest culprit along with the Pats and Tampa.

I’m a big believer in not getting too cute in the first few weeks.  I don’t mind playing the most obvious play and losing that team because as you can tell by my picks I have no clue who is good.   Also, sometimes you get a team that is clearly good but you really don’t have the opportunity to pick them again for the while.  My week’s pick of Denver falls into this category.  They are the biggest favorite on the board this week at home vs KC who looked terrible.   Next week they take on Seattle so we’re not taking them there.  In Week 4 they have an early bye.  The earliest you can pick again them is Week 5 against the Cardinals which seems to far away to not use them here.

If you say, “Hal, you’re a douche bag that’s a terrible pick”.  Here’s an alternative pick for you Monday Morning Quarterbacks Cunts: Saints

HAL’S WEEK 2 PICKS 

NFL WEEK 2 Lines picjpg_Page1

See what I did there.  I’m going right back to the well on the Best Bets with the Dallas over and Patriots.  Also think that Philly Colts game could be over 60.  I think they payoff this week.

WEEK 1 GAMES SHITTY REVIEW

Fuck, that was not the way I was looking to get started but it’s only week 1.  At one point in the afternoon at least my best bets were looking golden.  The pats were up double digits, Cam Newton had just been declared out.  Things were looking good.  It’s amazing how it can turn south so quickly.   

NFL WEEK 1 Lines1 Reults usejpg_Page1

LAST WEEK & YTD RESULTS

Week 1 Results 6-10

Best Bets 0-3 (Fuck me)

Quote of the Week

I’m enjoying finding these lines, most of them are from various stand up acts but I’ve really never heard of any of these guys and most of them are great.  This week’s:

“I am a big guy now but growing up I was small.  I got bullied a lot and this one kid was real mean.  He beat me up and called me names and made my life a living hell.  In high school, i hit my growth spurt and got bigger and stronger…..

and he got leukemia.  So I win.”

-Bill Squire

NFLlogo1

Oh yessssssssssssssssss!!!!!! Care, Worried, Matters.  Welcome one and welcome all to the third annual installment of parlays and teasers.  I would love nothing more for this year to be the first year that I can complete an entire year of picks from Week 1 through the Super Bowl.  I am going to do my best to try to be able to accomplish that.  It would be great to start getting a real footprint with logged picks year after year.   Even if I don’t have the time to blog some weeks my intention is to post picks at a minimum to be as legit as possible.  I really do hope to get some nice content on here week after week.   The first couple of weeks I’ll probably be feeling out what I want to change up from previous years, although I have some ideas already.  However, I’m also having writers block no less than 5 minutes into starting this.  With all that said,  thanks for spending a few minutes with good Ole Hal each week.

QUICK LEAGUE NOTES

There’s nothing better than week 1 of the NFL season.  Every team has at least some semblance of hope going into the year even though in most cities that euphoria comes crashing down after about the 1st quarter.   I think the key for my success is being able to identify those teams that will have the sustained success.   This was an achilles heal for me as I was late to the party with the dominant teams.   Last year, I was never a huge believer in Seattle until about halfway through the season.  I thought early on Houston, Atlanta would stop the bleeding at some point.  Teams like the Ravens and Steelers I put too much stock in last year.   I think if I can get a better feel for the year then my picks will improve.  I think the proverbial “eye test” is probably the best analysis out there so my goal is to watch more games.  I now have Direct TV with the NFL Sunday ticket so I except to watch more games than in years past.   I honestly didn’t watch that much football last year due to life getting in the way far too often and watching highlights gives you little to no insight on how a team is actually built.  Minus watching the train wreck called the 2013 NY Football Giants weekly, I probably only tuned into a quarter here and a quarter there on various weeks.  I have vowed to change that and made the investment in the NFL Ticket to back up my talk.  OK, that last sentence was a total fabrication of the truth, I got the NFL package for free this year when I signed up for Direct TV 6 months ago and I only have to cancel it before next season to not get charged.  However, I’m assuming once I have it full time I won’t want to let it go.  Actually, when you do a cost analysis of it, the cost of the season package is about 2 or 3 trips to the sports bar depending on the amount of beers you want to guzzle down or the quantity of wings you want to shove down your trough.

Last thought on the NFL is the couple of guys including Wes Welker getting suspended yesterday for MDMA.   Ahh, ecstasy, now as everyone knows that is a great drug.  It reminds me of the Summer of 1999.   I just wanted to remind everyone of the hierarchy of drugs in case you wanted to know:

1. Ecstasy

2. Coke

3. Weed

Case closed and it’s not up for discussion.    You know I’m right because you take ecstasy first, then you do lines to heighten it, then smoke weed to come down.   Come on, I shouldn’t have to repeat this.

WEEKLY RANT (which will lead into a new section)

Oh, where do I start.  The last time I posted something I was about to become a Dad and close to moving.  I can happily say everything has gone well in both of those regards.   Isabella Poopie Pants is doing great even though she’s allowed me to sleep 10 minutes in 8 months.  Now the worry is trying not to let her put the entire contents of the house in her mouth or attempt to find every piece of dangerous items laying around in a 2 foot area from the floor up.  She has become a pro at both skills in relative short time.   We also bought a house site unseen and moved to ILM.  We never saw the house prior to pulling up the first day we arrived minus some internet picture . That’s definitely not something I would ever do again but it’s worked out OK and we got it at a decent price.

Besides that little update I was going to keep this at the business at hand and drop some knowledge on you.  I’m dropping bombs on your Moms.   It’s funny I was wondering what the hell I was going to talk about and then sometimes it just drops in your lap.  As I sit here in my home office (more on that in later weeks) I pretty much watch CNBC the majority day.   Lately the business of sport and the world of finance (that’s pronounced FIN NANCE)  have been colliding every now and then.  This morning was no different and in fact the segment was really was geared more towards the Fantasy Football world.   They had the CEO of Fan Duel (the daily game fantasy site) and it just so happened I was going to be ranting about Fantasy Leagues in general.   Before I go into that rant, allow me to relay some interesting information they showed during that segment

Avg age of Fantasy player:  34

Avg hours they spend a week on fantasy leagues:  8.67 hrs

Percentage of players with college degrees:  78.1%

Average Annual Spend on Leagues:  $111

The one that sticks out for me is the last one.  I think over the next few years $111 will start to go up as more people start allocating monies towards these types of fantasy leagues in place of traditional game betting.  I think Fantasy betting will start to pull even with traditional sports betting in the future.

Recently, the long time football league I’ve been in decided not to continue for many of the same reasons leagues die.  Guys dont pay or don’t take care of their teams.  It seems like its an endless shuffle to track guys down or replace guys and it becomes annoying.    It’s very difficult to run a league where the same members are apart of the league every year and there is no problem with payment.   A few weeks before I found out the league was disbanding I actually started looking into FanDuel as my new fantasy platform.  I’ve been tinkering around it the last few weeks and I’ve really bought into this weekly salary cap platform.  Let’s face it, most year long fantasy football leagues are won and lost many times purely on draft slot and luck.  If you drafted Peyton Manning you at worst got to the finals last year.   I’ve been in plenty of drafts and I don’t think I’ve ever done well in like the 6, 7 or 8th slot.  You want either front end or back end of the draft and if you don’t get it your behind the 8 ball from the get go.  A great thing about the weekly leagues is you can go heavy or light in particular weeks.  You can pick from $1 to multiple thousand dollar leagues.  They also have head to head option which is great because all you have to beat is one dude.  You can also enter the large tourneys for long odds but big payouts if that suits your fancy.  It pretty much has something for everyone.    It inspired me to create a new section of the blog going forward.   You’ll see below where I’ll be posting my weekly lineup in those leagues and will also post results.  I’m going to start out slow with that betting maybe $10-$20 a week until I get what works best for the scoring systems.  It seems to be relatively standard scoring systems but they all have slight variables.

VIDEO OF THE WEEK

 Just a quick one.  Need to do more research on these going forward.  With that said, dames shouldn’t be allowed to park any car at any time.

MY WEEKLY FANTASY LINEUP (SALARY CAP 60K)

This is my first go around on this site so I’m very interested to see how it goes.  I entered a 5 person $10 league.  Winner takes $45.  I’m just trying to get a feel of it for the first week or 2.  To give you an idea of some of the top dollar guys at various positions:   P Manning $10,200,  Jamal Charles $9,800, Megatron $9,200, Jimmy Graham $8,100.  All too rich for my blood.  I’m going with more of the balanced approach trying to take advantage of match ups.   We’ll see how it goes

QB Alex Smith $6,900

RB L McCoy  $9,400

RB R Jennings $6,700

WR K Allen $7,200

WR E Sander $6,400

WR M Crabtree $6,500

TE V Davis $6,300

K B McManus $5,000

D Chiefs  $5,400

 

WEEK 1 GAMES

Just a few changes in how make picks.  I am going to pick every game but have the right to pick a over under if I don’t like the line.  I’m also going to be implement is the selection of 3 Best bets every week.  These are the bets I will comprise a parlay or teaser from.  I will not make parlay or teaser bets every week.  But when I do I will also calculate those.    I won’t be making score prediction either, it’s fucking pointless.     Lastly, I’m working on a format that will make the inputting of the picks and results much fast.   I’ll probably tinker with how this looks but it’s my first go around with it.  I will also probably run into some ties as why I pull the lines from are a consensus of all Vegas odds so there is no way to change them to half points.  Again just a time saver.

 Off we go on the 2014 season!!!

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LAST WEEK & YTD RESULTS

Week 1 Results

Best Bets

These Will update next week

Quote of the Week

Since there are only so many family guy lines, I’m just going to incorporate any line from anything so I have a broader selection.  This week’s:

“Black people are way more susceptible to diabetes.  That’s not racist it’s just a medical fact.   Now if I said, “hide you wallets, there’s diabetes patients around,”  That would be racist. “

-Ari Shaffir

santa

I hope everyone had an enjoyable holiday.  My Christmas was good but a Christmas that falls on a Wednesday is kinda gay.  I didn’t take anytime off from work so having to come back to work after Xmas is always terrible plus it’s going to happen again next week with New Years day.  You don’t get to piggyback that weekend when it falls on a Wednesday or have one of those meaningless Fridays or Mondays .  Anyway, I missed out on posting anything the last few weeks but was hoping to find some time to get one in before the end of the regular season.   I hope to continue everything through the playoffs.

QUICK LEAGUE NOTES

Speaking of playoffs, there is a bunch of jockeying taking place in this weekend’s games with playoff seeds and berths all on the line.   There are 2 winner take all games with the Cowboys/Eagles and Warehouses/Pack games.   There are quite a few terrible games but all in all it’s a decent last week of the season.  It’s amazing how fast these season go by now.  It feels like it just started.

WEEKLY RANT

A few weeks back I had something to say about Varsity Blues.  This week’s rant is also about one of my favorite movies of yesteryear.  Having a very pregnant wife leads to many hours of tv watching.  Early on one morning, I stumbled upon Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter Is Dead from basically the beginning.  A really great early 90’s movie that I always liked.   At first, my only complaint on this movie was that they really don’t doll up Christina Applegate during her peak years as they should have.  But that is neither here nor there.   As the movie is playing out I noticed a huge flaw in the plot line that I was shocked I never noticed before.  Allow me to explain.   For those of you who have seen this movie you will know what I am talking about.  If you haven’t seen this movie just kill yourself.  I’m not going to get into the whole story line as it’s not necessary but as the movie progress, Sue Ellen Crandell is working as an Executive Administrative Assistant at GAW (General Apparel West) because she needs money for her brothers and sisters because the babysitter died and they disposed of her body that had their summer time money on her.  Since she is a high school student she has no office skills for this position.   The receptionist at GAW is Carolyn and she is very jealous of Sue Ellen because she wanted the executive admin assistant job.   Now just follow me here for a second.   Carolyn’s brother, Bryan, is a Clown Dog worker and also the love interest of Sue Ellen.   At one point Bryan is actually in the office talking to his sister about, Sue Ellen, cause he thinks she seeing another guy.   Sue Ellen then appears walking towards where Carolyn and Bryan are talking.  She stops in her tracks when she sees them and Carolyn says “Can I help you Sue Ellen?”  Sue Ellen then just scampers off.  Bryan lazily turns his head after a few seconds just after Sue Ellen gets out of sight.    This is where I call bullshit on the writers of this movie.    If you are Bryan and you are there complaining to your sister about your girlfriend who’s name is Sue Ellen and one of your sister’s co workers name is Sue Ellen wouldn’t you question that to your sister?  Since it’s such an unusually name would you say, “You work with a Sue Ellen?”  Also wouldn’t you turn your head much faster?  If you knew someone was named Sue Ellen standing right behind you and you are there complaining to your sister about your girlfriend Sue Ellen wouldn’t you immediately swing your head around?  Wouldn’t you think to yourself maybe that’s the same Sue Ellen.  At a minimum, you would have to ask your sister to describe the Sue Ellen that she works with.    Shockingly, none of this ever comes up.   This got me really worked up and I started shouting at the TV, “How can you not ask these questions”  I slowly was able to calm myself down as I realized I was in my boxer shorts at 6:45 am on a Saturday morning shouting at the TV about a movie that was made in 1991 with the title of “Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter Is Dead.”  Needless to say, I laid there in silence for the next 2 hours questioning my existence.  I’m a winner.

YOUTUBE VIDEO OF THE WEEK

The quality on this I wish was better but this happened almost 10 years ago this month.  They should give Joe Willie his own reality show.    There are so many great things on here.  His initial kiss move around the 50 second mark.  His scream at the end.  Or his compliments of Chad Pennington.

STAND UP COMEDY CLIP OF THE WEEK

The best and the worst ventriloquist in the business.

LOWLY RANKED FANTASY PLAYER THAT WILL EXCEL THIS WEEK

Matt Cassel @ DET
Ranked as low as #22 QB

I basically feel that since the Lions have been eliminated they will pack it in and play a bad game because they hate their coach who is about to get fired.

22-30 250 YDS 2 TD 0 INT 

WEEK 17 GAMES

Have to be careful this week cause of teams either not playing to win or just not caring especially in the 4pm games where the pictures start to become more clear on who’s in and who’s out or how seedings are going to play out.

BAL @ CIN (-6.5)

Bengals 28 Raven 20, Pick Bengals

WAS @ NYG (-3.5)

Gmen 20 Redskins 17, Pick Skins

HOU @ TEN (-7.5)

Titans 20 Texans 14, Pick Texans

JAC @ IND (-11.5)

Colts 27 Jags 20,  Pick Jags

NYJ @ MIA (-6.5)

Fins 24 Jets 14, Pick Fins

CAR @ ATL (+6.5)

Falcons 21 Panthers 20, Pick Falcons (Here is my shocker pick)

DET @ MIN (-3.5)

Vikes 24 Lions 20, Pick Vikes

CLE @ PIT (-7.5)

Steelers 28 Browns 20, Pick Steelers

STL @ SEA (-10.5)

Seahawks 30 Rams 10, Pick Seahawks

GB @ CHI (-3.5)

Sorry Bears fans, I think they fall short at home

Pack 24 Bears 23, Pick Pack

SF @ ARI (+1.5)

Cards 24 9ers 23, Pick Cards

DEN @ OAK (+12.5)

Broncos 35 Raiders 14, Pick Broncos

BUF @ NE (-9.5)

Pats 28 Bills 20, Pick Bills

TB @ NO (-12.5)

Saints 31 Bucs 20, Pick Bucs

KC @ SD (-9.5)

This one is almost impossible to call as the Chefs are locked into the 5 seed.  I absolutely hate the idea of resting players.  It rarely works.  I also have the Chargers with the biggest passion for some reason. 

Chargers 24 Chefs 17, Pick Chefs

PHI @ DAL (+6.5)

Part of me wants to pick Dallas as I would think the whole world is on Philly just to go the contrarian way but I just can’t. 

Eagles 31 Cowboys 23, Pick Eagles

LAST WEEK & YTD RESULTS

Week 14 ATS Record 6-9

Season ATS Record 70-73
At first I thought an under .500 record is pretty bad.  But looking at all the so called “experts” on Sportsline, there is only 1 guy out of 8 who is over .500 and he is only 1 game over .500.  It’s been a tough year calling lines.

Week 14 SU Record 11-4

Season SU Record 92-50-1

Family Guy Quote

  If you have sex with her, you give her all the power, and if you don’t have sex with her, you’re gay.   — Glen Quagmire

varsityAn oh so close to an epic Week 13 but alas after a strong start on Thanksgiving combined with a poor showing for the 1pm games, we finished really strong for the late games to get back to 8-8 ATS for the week.  Keeps us at .500 for the year.  We went a very nice13-3 SU so we were locked in on the winners just came out on the wrong end of every close spread.  It was an acceptable week in my eyes as I felt very unsure about multiple games so we’ll move on to the next week.

QUICK LEAGUE NOTES

I had a busy week and haven’t had a chance to really look at anything and started very briefly yesterday.  As soon as I looked at the first game I stopped what I was doing.  There was just no way I was going to rush to beat the Jacksonville/Houston game deadline.  However, I wish I did cause I would have bet Jville, as I’ve been on them the last few weeks riding their mini streak.   Looking at last week’s games, in hindsight nothing crazy really happened.  The biggest upset was probably the Vikings beating Da Bears (correctly called by Hal) but even that’s a stretch cause it’s a division game.   Seattle really thumping NO by as much as they did was a little surprising but not earth shattering.  It looks like the teams that need to are taking care of business right now.  I don’t know if it will keep up but it appears that the have’s and have nots are really starting to separate.

WEEKLY RANT

Paul Walker died this past week in a car crash and all I hear is Fast and the Furious this and Fast and the Furious that.  I honestly have never seen more than 5 minutes of any of those movies.  I guess there are like 20 of them or something.  One movie I have seen with him in it is Varsity Blues.  Now that kids is a fucking great movie.  He plays star quarterback Lance Harbor from West Canaan who gets his knee blown out because of a concussed Billy Bob cannot block.  Then Johnathan Moxon comes into save the day albeit reluctantly because he’s looking towards his future out of the small town.   The names in that movie are just the tops.  Besides the aformentioned ones there is hard drinking Charlie Tweeter and Coach Bud Kilmer who makes Tom Coughlin look like a nun.   Darcy Sears, the fame whore she is, tried to seduce ol Mox to no avail.  It was not due to a lack of trying coming out in a whip cream bikini.  Ahhhh, sluts.  That movie just had everything.

I know this is a football blog but Robinson Cano signed with the Mariners today for 240 million for 10 years.   Have fun counting your money in utter solitary because know one will hear from you again playing out there.  I love how fans like me gripe sometimes when players take the money and bolt their homegrown teams.  If an employer offered me even slightly more money I would seriously consider it even if it was in Saskatchewan cause I am a greedy fuck.

YOUTUBE VIDEO OF THE WEEK

The “I dont want your life” scene was a no brainer but too predictable.

STAND UP COMEDY CLIP OF THE WEEK

Coffee flavored coffee is great.  This is nine minutes long but you’ll get a few laughs relatively quickly.

HIGHLY RANKED FANTASY PLAYER THAT WILL SHIT THE BED THIS WEEK

I was pretty spot on with Frank Gore last week.  He had 8.9 points while I had predicted 8.2 so thats a definite win for me.  I am going to change it up this week.  I am going to find a very low ranked player to exceed his expecations.  This weeks choice is Ryan Fitzpatrick, ranked as low as #23 QB this week.

I think he’s set up for a decent week because of the situation.  He’s playing @ Denver.  More than likely this probably won’t be a close game so he’ll have the advantage of playing against a prevent type defense and Denver’s d isn’t good to begin with.

Prediction 20-35, 300 YDS, 2 TD’s 1 INT.  (not bad for the 24th ranked QB) 18 points

WEEK 13 GAMES

ATL @ GB (-1.5)

Pack 21 Atl 18 – Pick: Pack

KC @ WAS (+3.5)

Chefs 24 Skins 20 – Pick: Skins

MIA @ PIT (-3.5)

Steelers 20 Miami 14 – Pick: Steelers

MIN @ BAL (-7.5)

Ravens 20 Vikes 17 – Pick: Vikes

CLE @ NE (-11.5)

Pats 30 Browns 17 – Pick: Pats

IND @ CIN (-6.5)

Bengals 30 Colts 21 – Pick: Bengals

DET @ PHI (-2.5)

Eagles 28 Lions 24 – Pick: Eagles

BUF @ TB (-2.5)

Bucs 21 Bills 17 – Pick: Bucs

OAK @ NYJ (-2.5)

Jets 13 Raiders 12 – Pick: Raiders

TEN @ DEN (-12.5)

Broncos 30 Titans 21 – Pick: Titans

SEA @ SF (-2.5)

9ers 28 Hawks 24 – Pick: 9ers (They just need this game way more)

STL @ ARI (-6.5)

Cards 23 Rams 20 – Pick: Rams

NYG @ SD (-3.5)

Gmen 21 Chargers 20 – Pick: Gmen

CAR @ NO (-3.5)

Saints 24 Panthers 20 – Pick: Saints

DAL @ CHI ( -1.5)

Cowboys 23 Warehouses 20 – Pick: Cowboys

LAST WEEK & YTD RESULTS

Week 13 ATS Record 8-8

Season ATS Record 64-65

Week 13 SU Record 13-3

Season SU Record 81-46-1

Family Guy Quote

You’d better watch who you’re calling a child, Lois. Because if I’m a child, you know what that makes you? A Pedophile. And I’ll be damned if I’m gonna be lectured by a pervert. – Peter Griffin

turkeyThis may or may not be a truncated version of Parlays and Teasers as we are trying to get this out today before the Thanksgiving day games.  Maybe we can get into a groove as we did with last week’s picks.   A highly skilled workmanlike 9-4 ATS along with calling 2 unders (Jet game, 9er game) coming through.  We are back smack dab sitting at exactly .500 so it was an enjoyable week.  Looking at this week’s schedule, the good feelings won’t last long because I think Week 13 will be the toughest to date.  A bunch of short weeks and really close match ups to contend with.

QUICK LEAGUE NOTES

A ton of real interesting events taking place last week.  I knew we were doing well going into the Sunday night game but before going to bed I saw it was 24-0 Broncos over the Patriots at half so that put a damper on things.  I figured that was just a waste of a pick.  I didn’t find out until the next afternoon that the Pats came back so that was a nice surprise.  Couldn’t believe that when I saw it.   Arizona laid pipe on Indy.   Chefs lost a game that could have huge playoff seeding implications for them to Philip Rivers of all people.  Yuck!.  Playoff battles are really starting to take shape this week   There was also a tie in the Packer Viking game.  That bullshit had a huge effect on me.  In my local market, the 1:00 pm Fox game was Miami/Carolina.  It finished in it’s normal time right around 4pm.  Fox then cut to the GB/MIN game in OT which literally took an hour which delayed cutting to the NYG/DAL game.  I was so livid.  My favorite part was the last minute of the OT took 15 minutes.  It was hysterical.  This is how the last sequence of the game went.  I swear to God you can look this up.  GB was on their 35 after a first down with about a minute to play.   False start, then incomplete pass with a flag for holding.  It’s now 1st & 25 from their own 20.  They have no timeouts either and basically zero chance of getting into position to kick a field goal.  Complete pass out  for 7 yards of bounds stopping clock.  Incomplete pass.  Referee Conference.  Then Punt that leaves 1 second on the clock after a fair catch.  Minnesota finally runs a play that gets no where near the end zone and the game mercifully ends.  The Giant game gets picked up as the first quarter is about to expire at just after 5pm EST.   Fuck you Fox!

WEEKLY RANT

I know I mentioned this a few weeks ago regarding how early this Christmas stuff comes around now.  Case in point, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer was on CBS last night.  Blow Me!  It’s 2 days shy of Thanksgiving and we’re forced fed Rudolph.  Fuck you CBS!  I watched it though and actually laughed when Yukon Cornelius falls off that cliff.  I was hoping in this new November version of Rudolph he actually dies a horrible death by falling to his demise and then is eaten by hungry polar bears.   Whatever happened to A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.   I’m no scholar but that seems more appropriate for this time of year.    Another holiday tradition that I really don’t miss all the much is the travel although I miss seeing family and friends.  I haven’t been outside of Florida during Thanksgiving for a few years now.  The airports during this time of year especially at about 5pm on Wednesday and 8pm on Sunday are probably the worst places on earth.  There is nothing worse than being so hungover from a 4 day bender only to run into a 2 hour security line and an overbooked delayed flight that lands at midnight.

YOUTUBE VIDEO OF THE WEEK

I just cant resist this during Thanksgiving.  Even with the Family Guy quote later this is just unavoidable for me.  Your ass, Your mom’s ass!

STAND UP COMEDY CLIP OF THE WEEK

Saw this whole thing on netflix and though it was pretty funny.

  HIGHLY RANKED FANTASY PLAYER THAT WILL SHIT THE BED THIS WEEK

Last week’s pick of Cam Newton, I feel like it was a win cause he went 19-38 for only 174 yards with a TD & INT.  He salvaged his day by rushing for 51 yards and a TD for 20 points.  He really on had 9 points as a pure QB, so I think was right in my thinking but that rushing TD put him over the top so I have to count it as a loss.

This week’s selection is:

Frank Gore vs STL, ranked as high as #3 RB.

That St Louis front line is pretty decent so I think they can limit Gore.

Prediction:  20 carries, 82 yards, no TDs.  8.2 fantasy points

WEEK 13 GAMES

I’m going to keep this part pretty short and sweet.  This weeks games appear daunting so a few of these I don’t have great conviction one way or the other.

Starting with Turkey Day

GB @ DET (-5.5)

Matt Flynn anyone?  This should be the most watchable game.  Pick: Pack

Lions 28 Pack 26 

OAK @ DAL (-9.5)

Is there a let down in sight after Dallas big win?  I think they win but they haven’t played being big favorites.  Pick: Raiders

Cowboys 28 Raiders 20

PIT @ BAL (-3.5)

Games are usually really close.  Pick: Steelers

Ravens 17 Steelers 16

MIA @ NYJ (-1.5)

I’m picking the Jets only because of the weather which should be chilly. Pick: Jets

Jets 20 Fins 17

JAC @ CLE (-7.5)

Brandon Weeden is starting, no way should he be giving more than a TD.  Pick: Jags

Browns 16 Jags 13

CHI @ MIN (+2.5)

If I was the VIkings, AP would have 35 carries.  Pick: Vikes

Vikes 20 Warehouses 19

NE @ HOU (+7.5)

Texans have lost 10 in a row.  They are brutal.  Pick: Pats

Pats 30 Texans 14

TEN @ IND (-4.5)

Indy is fading fast.  Pick: Titans

Colts 20 Titans 17

TB @ CAR (-8.5)

I don’t think I’ll ever be a believer in Cam Newton.  Pick: Bucs

Panthers 21 Bucs 17

ARI @ PHI (-3.5)

I’m only picking Philly cause they are at home with an early start.  Pick: Eagles

Eagles 24 Cards 20

ATL @ BUF (-3.5)

Falcons packed it in during October.  Pick: Bills

Bills 16 Falcons 10

STL @ SF (-7.5)

Rams have played San Fran tough the last few years even when they were that good.  They are better this time around.  Pick: Rams

9ers 24 Rams 20

DEN @ KC (+3.5)

KC is in their downward spiral now that was coming for weeks.  Pick: Broncos

Broncos 31 KC 20

CIN @ SD (-1.5)

I just don’t trust San Diego after a big win.  Pick: Bengals

Bengals 27 Chargers 26

NYG @ WAS (-2.5)

Gmen’s impossible dream ended with a big thump last week.  So I’ll just be a homer.  Pick: Gmen

Gmen 21 Skins 20

NO @ SEA (-6.5)

Game of the week.  Can’t really trust Saints outdoors especially in that environment.   Pick: Seahawks

Seahawks 27 Saints 20

Enjoy the games everyone and Happy Thanksgiving!

LAST WEEK & YTD RESULTS

Week 12 ATS Record 9-4 (Fuck Yeah)

Season ATS Record 56-56

Week 12 SU Record 7-5-1

Season SU Record 68-43-1

Family Guy Quote

They killed off Brian on the show last Sunday and replaced him with another dog voiced by Paulie Walnuts from The Sopranos.  I don’t think that lasts but the new dog seemed funny.

This week’s quote:

[Peter appears as James Woods on The Late Show with David Letterman]

Letterman:  What are you here to promote, James?
Peter: Well, Dave, I have a hilarious new movie coming’ out on HBO next month. It’s all about 9/11. The movie’s called September 11th, 2000-Fun.
[the studio audience gasps]
Letterman: James, that sounds unbelievably offensive to Americans.
Peter: Well, you haven’t heard what the movie’s about. I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and what do you think I see coming? A plane! And I go, “Come on”! You know, it’s real, real old-style comedy, you know, it’s like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania.

honeymooners“One of these days Alice, one of these days.”  One of these days I’ll be able to put solid back to back weeks together.  Last week did not end up that way.  We went a hard fought 4-11 ATS.  I thought there were some solid picks in there but just couldn’t get it to go our way.   I thought we were going to be fine as going into the later games we were .500 and then proceeded to lose every from there on out.  We picked the SU winners OK going 9-6 and I was sure the Pats would pull it out to at least salvage something but wasn’t meant to be, although that call at the end of that game was spotty.  Nothing left to do but to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep grinding.   Another intersting slate of games coming up this week.

QUICK LEAGUE NOTES

We’re coming into the last quarter of the season and I think the league has to be really happy with what transpired so far this year.  The goal was parity and for basically every team to have a shot at the playoffs.   The league is a hodgepodge of mediocre teams fighting it out for those last few spots.  Obviously you have your shoe ins like Denver, KC, NO & Seattle.   Cincy & Indy look to be in good shape but are so inconsistent that you can’t consider definites just yet.  After that the last 6 spots are wide open.  The NFL regular reason is become the more and more meaningless as it appears 9-7 will probably get in a wild card in both conferences.  9-7 might also win a division or 2.  The NFL has become “just get into the tournament” regular season and hope you are playing your best football at the end of the year.   First round byes, while are nice to have, mean nothing.  Wild Cards are regularly winning multiple road playoff games and advancing to the Super Bowl over the last half dozen years.  So as long you are mediocre enough to win just slightly over half your games you have a very good chance of making the playoffs and making a run.   The days of those 14-2 teams making it to the Super Bowl are over.   The questions of resting players will start surfacing soon.  In fact, Denver and or KC will have a very interesting dilemma coming up.  They are for all intensive purposes locks to make it with one of them probably getting home field throughout.   Let’s assume Denver wins next week against KC to own the tiebreaker and can cruise to home field say after week 15.  Do they rest Manning or some starters?  Time after time that strategy backfires but how do you play a 90 year old gimpy QB in a meaningless end of the regular season game.  It will be very interesting how everything shakes out.

WEEKLY RANT

It’s the 50th anniversary of JFK being assassinated this week.  I was always kind of into the cover up stuff, the “magic” bullet and all of that shit.  The movie “JFK” was really good and threw everything into a frenzy when it came out.  It’s fascinating to think that Joe Pesci and Tommy Lee Jones, some Cubans, and the mob all scheming together to kill JFK.  It kinda of sucks that everything in that movie is made up and none of it was true. I should have known something was up when Joe Pesci is doing coke in a diaper in one scene.

You would think that it would take some great scheme like they describe in the movie to kill a president.  You wouldn’t think some punk 24 year old redneck would be able to pull something like that off.  But since there were no rules back in the 60’s he could.  It didn’t help matters that a guy killed the guy who killed the president.  All this did was fan the flames of the controversy.   Again, back in the 60’s you can evidently walk into the police station freely and shoot someone who just shot the president.  If that happened today, I’m sure some cunt would put on facebook or twitter.

#obamasbeenshot

then an hour later

#theguywhoshotobamahasbeenshot

YOUTUBE VIDEO OF THE WEEK

This is youth soccer but pretty impressive display nonetheless.  Spin moves in any sport are great.

STAND UP COMEDY CLIP OF THE WEEK

This technically isn’t a stand up show but Louis CK does some of his best work on talk shows.  This one is from way back with Conan’s original show when probably no one knew who Conan was let alone Louis CK.   I love the last minute of this.

HIGHLY RANKED FANTASY PLAYER THAT WILL SHIT THE BED THIS WEEK

My prediction for the second week in a row was Matt Stafford.  He exceed my expectations but I think there was an asterisk.   He only threw for about 30 yards after halftime.  It was about the same time the Pitt coaches must of had a meeting.  It would probably go something like this.  Hey you see that really tall, fast guy with really Johnson on his back.  Let put like 4 dudes on him cause he’s killing us and they really don’t have any other receivers.

Actual Line: 19/46, 362 YDS, 2 TD 1 INT for 20 standard points

Prediction: 20-32, 275 YDS, 1 TD 1 INT, 13 standard fantasy points (Loss)

This week’s selection is another QB:

Cam Newton ranked #5 in both Rotoworld & Sportsline

He’s a boom or bust type guy and it usually depends on what he does with his feet.   I don’t think he’ll do much through the air.

Prediction 13-24, 201 YDS, 1 TD, 2 INT.  8 carries, 30 YDS.  11 fantasy points

WEEK 12 PICKS

CHI @ STL (-1.5)

I almost called the exact score of the Warehouse game last week and I like them again this week.  I think the Rams are getting way too much credit with this line from blowing out the Colts.  That Robbie Gould is a kicker that doesn’t get anywhere near the pub he should get.  I was watching that game last week and he nailed like a 40 something yarder dead center and it looked like a monsoon.  That dude is pretty money.   I think he kicks them to a W again this week.  Pick:  Warehouses

Warehouses 20 Rams 17

NYJ @ BAL (-4.5)

Why do I ever pick the Jets?  What’s crazy is if the playoffs started today they would be in as a 6 seed.  Will they pull their one bad week one good week garbage?  I don’t think so.  Baltimore is a tough place to play and Geno Smith has hit the proverbial Rookie Wall.  The Ravens don’t score but I don’t think they have to score much.  It I was a betting man,  I would love and love some more the under(39.5).  Pick: Ravens

Ravens 17 Jets 9

PIT @ CLE (-1.5)

The Steelers are the Giants of the NFC.  They started like shit and have righted the ship to at least make themselves relevant.  I think they get it done this week to creep closer to a playoff berth.  Big Ben has played better in recent weeks.   Pick: Steelers

Steelers 21 Browns 16

JAC @ HOU (-10.5)

Brutal game for all involved.  Houston is the AFC version of the Falcons.  They have packed in it and waiting until next year. Pick: Jags

Jags 21 Texans 20

TB @ DET (-9.5)

Seems like such a trap line to take the Bucs and I would think with that many points most people would take that.  That includes me.  We’ll see if Revis Island can hold up Megatron to less than absurd numbers.  Pick: Bucs

Lions 28 Bucs 24

MIN @ GB (-4.5)

Packers are sinking fast without Aaron Rodgers.  Scott Tolzien has a pretty live arm.  Some of his throws last week were pretty impressive.  However, he’s a young guy that will make too make mistakes.  AP due for a big game.  Pick: Vikes

Vikes 21 Pack 20

SD @ KC (-4.5)

I’m shocked at this line.  Granted KC finally lost and maybe they look past them for next week’s rematch against Denver but San Diego is terrible. Pick: Chefs

Chefs 23 Chargers 17

CAR @ MIA (+4.5)

I really want to take Miami cause I am just a non beliver in Cam Newton but that Carolina D appears just a touch too good.  Pick: Panthers

Panthers 27 Fins 20

IND @ ARI (-2.5)

Is Arizona for real?  Maybe, they certainly have played better the last few weeks.  I’ll stick with them for another week.  Pick: Cards

Cards 30 Colts 27

TEN @ OAK (-0.5)

This is essentially a pick em.  I’m on the Matt Mcgloin express train to a victory.  I’m not sure if he was touched by Jerry Sandusky or not at Penn St. but I believe in him regardless.  Side Note: Sandusky’s favorite pick up line to little boys, “Tennessee?  You’re the only 10 I see.”  OK, that was in bad taste.  Pick: Raiders

Raiders 23 Titans 20 

DAL @ NYG (-2.5)

GMen on a 4 game win streak against not exactly a murders row of QB’s.  However, since the acquisition of Jon Beason the defense has played much better and since the acquisition of John “The Terminator” Conner the run game has been able to contribute especially in short yardage where they are much improved since the beginning of the year.   This will be a typical back and forth Dallas Giants game.  Last time they turned the ball over 6 times.  I think that will be the answer.  Whoever turns the ball over less wins.  Pick: Cowboys

Giants 24 Cowboys 23

DEN @ NE (+2.5)

Call me crazy but I thought I had that Pats/Carolina game pegged last week.  A break here or there and it’s a different story.  I’m sticking with my guns and picking a small upset.  Pats are 5-0 at home and very rarely lose 2 in a row and even more rarely get points in 2 straight.  Pick: Pats

Pats 34 Broncos 30

SF @ WAS (+5.5)

RG III is going through a rough stretch right now as he’s getting beat up for decision making especially last week’s game ending pick.   It just looks like he’ll need another year to get fully healthy.  It’s also possible he just isn’t as good and the league is starting to figure him out.  Awfully similar to his counterpart on San Francisco who is also struggling badly.   Here is another under that I like (47.5).  Pick: 49ers

49ers 24 Redskins 17

LAST WEEK & YTD RESULTS

Week 11 ATS Record 4-11 (Fuck No)

Season ATS Record 47-52

Week 11 SU Record 9-6

Season SU Record 61-38

Family Guy Quote

Dr. Hartman: Well, I caution you, that getting the mumps as an adult could result in serious complications. In some cases the symptoms could spread to the testicular glands.
Peter: Big deal, so I wear socks.
Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, your testicles are not on your feet.
Peter: Oh, where are they?
Dr. Hartman: Under your penis.
Peter: Are you kidding? I always thought those were two little sandbags to keep floodwaters from floating into my bum. No, no. I’m just poking at your funny bone. I am quite alarmed.

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