Hello, Hello?  I might have posted that video in a previous post but I don’t care cause it’s fucking great.  If you have 10 minutes in your day please view the whole thing and relish in how pathetic it is.   Please never make a tape like this to a loved one.

Well, first things first, we continued our plow horse type movement through Week 8.  Another 2-1 week on the Best Bets and was feeling good going into Sunday’s night game with a potential of going 3-0 but The Pack let us down.    It brings our best bet record to a real sold 16-8 year to date.  We did lose the parlay also with The Pack losing so that was a disappointment.   We also lost in our survivor pool with Dallas bowing out like a bunch of cunts.  More on that below.  However, I have a real cheeky 3 team teaser that will be unleashed down below.

QUICK LEAGUE NOTES

This is something that needs to explained to me.  How does a city like Jacksonville have an NFL team and a metropolis like Los Angeles have no NFL team.  I know that LA fans are terrible and LA in general is terrible but I would think you would draw more overall plus you would be able to negotiate a better TV contract because your adding the second largest TV market to the pool.  Do you know the ranking of the Jacksonville TV market.  It’s 47th in the nation.  Allow me to give you 3 other TV markets that are bigger than Jacksonville.  Birmingham, AL.  Norfolk-Newport News, VA.  Greensboro-Winston Salem, NC.   The league would theoretically be able to make more money if instead of the Jacksonville Jaguars they had the Norfolk Shitheads.   If you don’t believe me than check out this link.  (Side Note: you should believe anything you read on the internet, especially from a news quality site like this one.)

http://www.stationindex.com/tv/tv-markets

 I would really love to know the reasoning.   Have you ever been or driven through Jacksonville?  It’s horrendous.   Nothing about that city says “Hey lets put a football team here.”  There has to be something more than meets the eye.    If anyone who reads this is from Jacksonville or currently lives in Jacksonville then I’m sorry we cannot be friends or acquaintances any longer because you’re hometown is fucking brutal.

WEEKLY RANT

Speaking of things that are more than meets the eye, did anyone hear about the guy who wonder off during halftime from the Denver game last week.  I have been absolutely fucking enthralled with this story.   Luckily, they found the guy unharmed an astonishing 4 days later.   He was found in Pueblo, CO 130 miles away.  He supposedly hitchhiked down there.  Do you know the reason he gave the cops?  He said that he said he had his fill of football and that he likes to walk and wander, and he was looking for a warmer place.  This guy is my fucking hero.  He also told the cops he hadn’t watched TV so he didn’t know that people were looking for him.   I really want to fly out to Denver or wherever the fuck this guy lives and just pick his brain on how to just not give a fuck about anything.   The details are sketchy because this guy is the epitome of sketchy but the big break came from his a friend of his Ex-wife who said she picked him up at a Salvation Army and dropped hm at a hotel in Pueblo.   Total Sketch but what an awesome fella!

This reminds me of a story about how Hal Verl missed the second half of an NFL game.  Hal wasn’t as lucky as just to walk away from the game.  I was rather taken into custody in football jail.  Allow me to set the the scene for you.  Flashback to October 2010 and halftime of the Giants – Bears showdown in NJ.  It was a defensive struggle with the Giants leading 3-0.  Jay Cutler had already been sacked 9 times and injured during the first half but the game was very much in doubt.  Hal Verl got thirsty and was standing in line at the beer line during the end of halftime.   At that time, you couldn’t buy beer after halftime.  However, I had been in line for a while and there was no one behind me.  The people in front of me were served and out of nowhere a security guard came flying up in his yellow jacket and got right in my face and said I couldn’t be served anymore.  I replied nicely and said something to the effect that I had been waiting on line for a while and the people in front of me got beer and there is no one behind me.  He then asked if I wanted to be a tough guy.  I really didn’t know what that meant and I quickly realized that me thirst for beer was not going to be quenched.  I replied to him that I didn’t want to be a tough guy but informed him I thought he was a cunt.   He surprisingly didn’t like that and we exchanged a few more pleasantries and I was guided back towards our seats.   From that point, it should have been over but I had other ideas.  I had to go up a small stair case in the concourse and as I circled around on top of the stairs I saw the same security guard down on the floor below.   I started screaming down at him, “Hey you in the yellow jacket, yeah you, YOU’RE A CUNT.  YOU ARE A CUNT.”   Boy was I proud of myself.  Even though I didn’t get that beer I felt that I got the last word in.  I started going back to the seats where I was grabbed by 2 gentlemen who informed me that I had violated the conduct policy in the stadium as I was screaming and cursing in front of children.  I pleaded my case but knew I would not be returning to my seats.    I figured that I would just be escorted outside where I could catch the game back at the tailgate spot.   Instead, they brought me up to the very tippy top of the stadium in a large white room with no windows or TV’s.  It was clear that I was in the drunk tank/stadium jail.  They took my inside and told me to have a seat.  (Funny side story:  I actually sat with Andy Robestelli’s family in stadium jail who was also kicked out of the game because they got into an argument with people sitting next to them.  Andy Robestelli’s was being honored at halftime of that game and they missed it.)  They took my ID and told me they would let me go once they made sure I wasn’t some convict or anything.   You could hear cheering of the stadium but you had no idea what was going on.  The only thing that was clear was when the Giants later scored a touchdown.   They were bringing people in and letting people go basically the entire time I was there.   I figured that I would be let go but I must have pissed off the wrong security guard as I was one of the last ones to be released after the game had ended.  The only people that were left we ones that basically couldn’t walk out because they were too drunk.   I learned a few lessons that day. #1 Just sneak a flask into the stadium so you don’t have to worry about beer timelines.   #2 Don’t call security guards cunts.  Find a better word.  #3 Andy Robestilli’s niece was kind of a wouldn’t.

VIDEO OF THE WEEK

Eric the Midget passed away a few weeks back which was sad news.  This is a long clip but the first few minutes are pretty great.  Eric tries to explain why he is not a wack packer.   I don’t get to listen to Howard anymore but I really miss it and will miss Eric the Actor.

 MY WEEKLY FANTASY LINEUP (SALARY CAP 60K)

Good news, bad news in this section.  I was actually able to win my normal head to head but I also engaged in another one with a reader of the site who will remain nameless and got beat pretty good.  That’s something I wanted to bring up, if anyone wants to challenge me in a head to head on Fan Duel my username is vgeorge19 and I will take on all challengers.    For this week, I’m going pretty heavy on the Indy-Giants game which I would think should be high scoring.

QB E Manning $7600

RB L Miller $7300

RB A Bradshaw $7500

WR T Hilton $8100

WR R Randle $6400

WR S Smith $7200

TE V David $5700

K B Mcmanus $4600

D Cincy $5600

SURVIVOR POOL PICK OF THE WEEK

I broke a #1 rule I was trying to follow and it ended up killing  me.  There were too many things pointing to Dallas not being the pick last week and I didn’t listen to myself.  #1 rule I tried to never pick division games.  There is just too much familiarity that those games are tough to predict.  Secondly, if you really look at who Dallas beat, the only impressive win out of the 6 was beating at Seattle.  That was impressive not because Seatlle is a good team but nobody wins in Seattle.  The remaining teams they beat are either garbage or barely mediocre.    The pick last week was Miami and I seriously considered them but failed to pull the trigger.  So there are only 19 people left in the pool with 19 losing on Dallas.  I guess the only saving grace was watching Dallas lose and Romo getting hurt was at a minimum fun to watch.  I’ll keep picking to see if I can make it to the end of the pool.  This week’s picks Cincinnati.

HAL’S WEEK 9 PICKS

NFL WEEK 9 linesjpg_Page1

** – Bonus 3 Team Teaser – 6 points / Bengals -5.5, KC -4.5, Arizona +9

WEEK 8 GAMES PLOW HORSE REVIEW

NFL WEEK 8 lines resutsjpg_Page1LAST WEEK & YTD RESULTS

Week 8 Results 7-8

YTD Results 60-59

Week 8 Best Bets 2-1

Best Bets YTD 16-8

Parlays YTD 1-1

Teasers YTD 1-0

Quote of the Week

This week’s

I like to see the good in a bad situation.   Whenever I run into a spiderweb I just pretend I crossed the finish line of a race I didn’t know I entered.   Hard to throw up from fear when you are too busy being a fucking champion.

–Unknown comedian

This is the time of year that we are in where you gotta suck it up and puke all over the field if necessary.   Puking is just the worst feeling in the world.  I couldn’t imagine throwing up and then having to cover on a TE on a go route.  Lawrence Timmons gained some respect in my book.   Well, Another 2-1 week on the best bets and 9-5 total ATS.  I’m starting to sound like a broken record here.  Honestly, I thought we were heading for a 3-0 week as I was peeking in on the Monday night game and it was looking good.  But then the football gods decided to intervene and decided it was time for Pitt to score 3 times in a minute right before halftime.   I’m convinced it was the right pick but that shit happens sometimes.  However,  we cracked the .500  mark on all games for the season recovering from a terrible first couple of weeks.    We currently stand at 66% winning percentage on the best bets.  By industry standards that’s fucking great.    Also, bonus Parlay down below!

QUICK LEAGUE NOTES

I was talking to my Uncle about this last weekend regarding Peyton Manning’s TD record.  We were discussing if it’s a record that might be unbreakable.  At first glance I thought the record will be broken because they pass so much in the league now and you basically can’t touch anyone on defense without flags.   For argument sake,  let’s say Manning only plays this year and retires (even though from what it looks like, he doesn’t look like a guy looking to retire.)  and he finishes with 25 more TD’s.  That would give him 44 for the year and will give him 535 for his career.  Let’s look at the candidates:

The closest who are active consist of Brees and Brady.  Brees, who is 35, has 374 and Brady, who is 37 has 372.    To catch him, they would each have to throw about 40 TD’s for the next 4 years.  Possible?  Yes.  Plausible?  Probably not.   To put that in further context, Peyton has only thrown more than 40 TD in a season twice in his entire career (55 in 2013 and 49 in 2004.) Both of these guys are clearly not in their prime any longer so for them to average 40 TD over the next 4 years is not realistic.   So I don’t think they will get there.   If they make it, it won’t be on their current teams.  Maybe they can pull a Joe Montana/Peyton Manning and go to another team and play at a decent level for a few extra years.  Either way chances are very slim.   If Manning plays beyond this year, I think you can put their chances at zero.

The next group consists of (age, career TD’s)  Eli (33, 243), Rivers (33, 238), Roethlisberger (32, 229) , Romo (34,222),  Palmer (35, 219) , & Rodgers (31, 206).   Of this group, no one really has a chance except for a very outside chance of Rodgers.  His problem was his starting career started too late as he waited for Favre to move on.  He would have to have a few monster years and quickly.  I’m talking back to back 50 TD years to have a real shot.    A few of these guys will get into the top 10 which right now stands at Vinnie Testaverde at 275.    I think Eli will be the highest out of this group when all is said and done not because of talent but because of durability.

When you start going down the list you quickly realize that the person who eventually breaks this record is probably not in the league right now.   I would think the only 2 guys who even have a remote shot and it’s only because of their ages are Stafford (26, 118) and Luck (25, 65).   If they both average 30 TD for the next 14 years that would put Stafford at 538, age 40 and Luck at 485, age 39.   See what I mean, that is more than likely not happening.

I think the only way this record comes down is a kid who comes out of college early, is a pure pocket passer, starts averaging 30+ TD’s right away and drafted by a team that can be good for a decade.   If that is the case we are looking at a bunch of years for that to come to fruition.   Pretty amazing when you think about it.

WEEKLY RANT

I tried to get into the World Series and I just can’t.   It seems like there is a ton of passion and I’m happy to see Kansas City get some hype for baseball.   When there is almost a bench clearing brawl then I start to tune out.  That shit is for July day games vs the Diamondbacks.   The world series should be the best baseball you see all year, not chump shit.  Last night, a Giants reliever gets his fastball deposited into the seats by Omar Infante and starts talking shit.  Now that hockey has started I’m much more into that.  I’m trying to decide to purchase the NHL package.   Ive been into it during the free preview month but that ends soon.   I’m trying to decide if I can watch it enough to justify the cost.  I think it’s about $150 for the season, which isn’t terrible.  However, with a 9 month old who doesn’t like to sleep or stay in one place it’s impossible to watch a game from beginning to end.  I’ve been watching what I can and then I’ll finish it during work the next day.   By that time though, I already know the score and everything so it makes it kinda gay watching it but I just like watching hockey.

I really wish they would redesign the NFL divisions to make them more geographically correct.  I would do the following if I was commissioner.

NFC East

Pats, Giants, Jets, Philly (The 2 NY teams should play each other every year and NY should be playing Boston in all sports)

AFC East

Bills, Pitt, Wash, Ravens (The 2 Baltimore teams need to play, adding Pitt matches them well)

NFC Norris

Bears, Pack, Lions, Vikes (The only division that gets it right)

AFC Norris

Chefs, Rams, Colts, Browns

NFC South

Saints, Jags, Bucs, Dolphins

AFC South

Bengals, Titans, Falcons, Panthers

NFC West

49ers, Raiders, Chargers, Seattle (the 2 bay area teams need to play.  actually that might not be a great idea.  I would think 50 people would get stabbed or get paralyzed by the lunatics there)

AFC West

Broncos, Cowboys, Cards, Texans

You play your division twice.  You get 4 games to play vs your old rivals and then 4 games to play an alternative division each year.   This way you don’t lose those old rivalries.   IF those games happen to cross over then you play off the old system of previous season standing.   I think that would be so great.

 

 VIDEO OF THE WEEK

Since last week we did diareah then the most logical way to go is to stick with the puking.  Just skip to just after the 2 min mark.

 

MY WEEKLY FANTASY LINEUP (SALARY CAP 60K)

Another loss and my FanDuel account is slowly dwindling down.  You know your probably in trouble when you’re kicker is one of your top scorers.  I’m gonna try to keep at it and go with a strategy of getting come high priced talent to see how it goes.

 

QB A Rodgers $10000

RB J Forsett $6700

RB J Mckinnon $5800

WR R Cobb $8400

WR D Thomas $9400

WR B Lafell $5300

TE J Reed $5200

K S Suisham $4700

D Jets $4500

SURVIVOR POOL PICK OF THE WEEK

The Ravens last week was a no sweat type game which was a nice change from the previous nail biters.  Shit is starting to get real now as there are only 37 entries left.  Seattle and Cleveland eliminated another 13 people last week.     This pick came down to Miami or Dallas for me.   Dallas is the pick as if Colt McCoy gets the start then that’s just too juicy to pass up.   It pains me to say this and you will never hear me say it unless there is a large sum of money involved but Lets Go Cowboys!

HAL’S WEEK 8 PICKS

There are a bunch of home dogs and away favorites.  I might be a sucker for some of these lines and hopefully I don’t get trapped.

NFL WEEK 8 linesjpg_Page1***Bonus Parlay this week:  2 Team Parlay (Green Bay & Houston).   How is GB getting points, makes no sense so I’m sure it’s a trap but I’m just going on pure eye test.  I know that the Saints are better at home but ah come on.   I actually thought Houston looked good early last week and just had some bad luck.  They are about to face Zach Mettenberger and his first career start.  I’m pretty sure Tennessee is mandated by the league that they are not allowed to ever have a good quarterback.  

WEEK 7 GAMES PLOW HORSE REVIEW

NFL WEEK 7  Linesajpg_Page1LAST WEEK & YTD RESULTS

Week 7 Results 9-5

YTD Results 53-51

Week 7 Best Bets 2-1

Best Bets YTD 14-7

Parlays YTD 1-0

Teasers YTD 1-0

Quote of the Week

This week’s:

This girl came up to me at a gas station and told me she ran out of gas and asked her to give her 5 dollars.   I told her I would give her 10 but she had to trade me for a hug.   When she hugged me I whispered, “You’re a whore now.”  I like helping people

–unknown comedian

I interrupt everyone getting Ebola for the latest edition of Parlays and Teasers.  I’m just a fucking plow horse.  If you need shit plowed you call me.  You need your street plowed when it snows, you call me.  You need a field of corn plowed during harvesting season.  You call me.  You need someone to plow horse through these NFL lines, you read Parlays and Teasers.  I’m just plow horsing these NFL lines week after week now.  Another 2-1 best bets in week 7 and a solid 9-5 overall ATS.   We’re at 66% winners on the Best Bets for the season.  That’s far better than I ever could have imagined especially after a 0-3 start.    If you strip out that first week then the winning percentage goes to 80% for Weeks 2-6.  That’s pretty fucking dope.   That’s the good news.  Here’s the bad news.  I hate this week, absolutely hate it.  I have no conviction whatsoever.  Full disclosure, I don’t think I’m going wager anything for myself this week as I just have no confidence.   The range of the lines are so compact.  The smallest line is 3 but the largest line is 7.  So basically Vegas is saying every game will be decided by a TD or less but more than a field goal.  Fuck you.  I’m having a hard time picking 3 best bets but I’m not one to back down for a challenge so let’s see if we can continue our momentum this week.    Back to the video above, what the fuck is that but damn that tune is catchy.

QUICK LEAGUE NOTES

Some fat white coach (probably Bill Parcells or Andy Reid) once said “You’re never as good as it looks and never as bad as it looks”.  It’s amazing the week to week swings some of these teams go through.  One week they look like they can make a run and the next they look awful.   It’s truly amazing.

I’ve been having a hard time getting the blog up before the Thursday night games.  But honestly, they all have been so terrible (with the exception of last night finally) I figured why bother rushing just to get it in before a terrible game.   I’m glad I haven’t the last few weeks as I probably would have been wrong.  But they really need to figure something out with those games because for the most part they have been unwatchable.

WEEKLY RANT

The biggest problem with gambling, fantasy, and being just a plain fan is that worlds collide so often it gets so hard for everything to align.  In fact, it rarely or never happens.  Case in point, last week when I found out that 40 people in Survivor had picked the Seahawks your immediately thought would normally “Come on Dallas”.  But being a fan of the New York Football Giants I hate Dallas.  Plus they were 4-1 and if they lost and Giants beat Philly (as we know none came close to happening) then there would be a logjam at the top of the NFC East.   But then you think the Survivor pool is like 9 grand so fuck it come on Dallas.    But does that make someone a bad fan cheering for a rival team.  I say no because it’s purely for betting purposes.  I also wasn’t openly cheering out loud.  If Seattle won then fine but I’m glad they lost because I’m halfway closer to the money.   I feel as long as you are not clearly cheering against your own team then it’s fine.

The last time the Kansas City Royals were in the World Series was 1985, 29 Years ago.  I was 7 years old, what a joke.   I thought it would be funny to see what was happening back then

  • Only six states had laws that required wearing seatbelts.
  • 20 states had not yet raised their minimum drinking age to 21.
  • You could still smoke on airplanes, but Aspen, Colo., had just begun enforcing a law banning smoking in restaurants, becoming the first American city to do so.
  •  “Back to the Future” ruled the box office that year, but for a few weeks in October, the No. 1 movie was “Commando,” in which Alyssa Milano, in her first major movie role, played the kidnapped daughter of Arnold Schwarzenegger.  (Side Note: Commando was a tits movie)
  • Billboard No. 1 songs in October were “Money for Nothing” by Dire Straits, “Oh Sheila” by Ready for the World, “Take on Me” by A-ha and “Saving All My Love for You” by Whitney Houston.
  • Nintendo was test-marketing its first home video game consoles in New York, featuring games like Duck Hunt, Donkey Kong and Super Mario Brothers.
  • Microsoft was preparing to release Windows 1.0 in November.
  • Jerry Rice, a rookie receiver for the San Francisco 49ers, had one career touchdown catch. He now holds the N.F.L. record with 197.
  • Cost of gallon of Gas $1.20

 VIDEO OF THE WEEK

I’ve never seen this before and while were on the subject of diarrhea

MY WEEKLY FANTASY LINEUP (SALARY CAP 60K)

If there is something I really need to improve on it’s definitely this.   I’m pretty horrible at this so far.  I got steamrolled last week again.  I’ve only had 1 win in 6 tries.    I actually had many names that fantasy pundits were touting so I thought I was in good shape.

QB T Romo $8000

RB M Lynch $8800

RB L Miller $7200

WR D Jackson $8000

WR M Sanu $7200

WR J Jones $5500

TE J Reed $5400

K S Suisham $4700

D Browns $5200

SURVIVOR POOL PICK OF THE WEEK

Unbelievably survived another week when it wasn’t looking great and there was a big drop this past week.  There was 109 people left going into this week and that has been cut by more than half.  By my rough count it’s now down to 53.  I was shocked to see that 40 people had Seattle.  Now Seattle is pretty good at home but Dallas was 4-1 and playing some pretty decent football.   That just seemed to be a really high number but I’ll sure take it.  This shit is getting real but just like the regular games I’m having a hard time with this.   As I’m writing this I’m still trying to decide.   Just to review, I have picked the following:  Philly, Denver, NE, Indy, NO & San Diego so obviously they are all out.   I’ve thought about a lot of teams.  I’ve thought about Dallas but see the section above.  I’ve thought about Cleveland but there is just no way I can go out with Cleveland.  I’ve thought about Green Bay but Carolina just hung around with Cincy.   I think that Baltimore or Seattle are my only real options.   This is where strategy is starting to get to me because Seattle has a juicy matchups @ home vs Oakland in Week 9.  But can I make it that far is the question.   I think I have to go with Baltimore on their strength at home and the Falcons being terrible on the road.   Let’s go Ravens!!

HAL’S WEEK 7 PICKS

NFL WEEK 7  Linesjpg_Page1WEEK 6 GAMES PLOW HORSE REVIEW

NFL WEEK 6 Lines REVIEWjpg_Page1LAST WEEK & YTD RESULTS

Week 6 Results 9-5

YTD Results 44-46

Week 6 Best Bets 2-1

Best Bets YTD 12-6

Parlays YTD 1-0

Teasers YTD 1-0

Quote of the Week

This week’s:

–I hate when people say that minorities are scary.  White people are the scariest.  You say the wrong thing to the wrong white guy, you end up ducted taped in a basement.   You never turn on CNN and hear “there were 8 dismembered bodies found in the basement of one Tyrone Jackson.”

Seriously, I’ve seen the Saw movies.  Jigsaw wasn’t hispanic.

–comedian Tim (no last name)

 

“Some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and everywhere such as.”  Hahahahahahahahaha that video is fucking awesome.   I also love how AC Slater is the fucking host of a teen USA pageant.   There was a Saved by the Bell where Zack enters Screech in a Miss Bayside pageant because of a bet with Slater.  This in turn makes Slater enter the pageant because he thinks if a man should win it should be him.  Well that plan backfires because Zack gets the whole school to think Slater gave Screech a black eye.   Slater should know he shouldn’t mess with Zack when it comes to a bet.   For those of you who haven’t seen that episode, Screech ends up winning in a waltz against Kelly, Lisa and Jessie (of course).

Sorry for that brief tangent.  I must try to incorporate Saved by Bell more in ParlaysandTeasers.  Anyway, this might be a truncated version as I’m burning day light here so wanted to incorporate some comedy.   Lastly, before I get to the games and reviews,  I am thinking about making some ParlaysandTeasers Tshirts or hats or some type of swag.  But I would love a tag line to go along with it, like ParlaysandTeasers.com (insert tag line here).  Maybe a reader can help me with this.

I titled this week’s edition (which is the 27th edition, by the way) as it was appropriate as how I felt throughout last weeks games.  It wasn’t looking good for while but was able to squeak out a 2-1 Best Bets week.  All things considered it was actually ended up being a nice week but it just didn’t have that feel as the last few.  But I will take 2-1’s all day long.  I also went 10-5 in the all pick section.  Let’s go look at some maps to try to find South Africa.

QUICK LEAGUE NOTES

Not really much to say here.   However, some real nice matchups this week.  Taking a look at this weeks games, there are a ton of tight spreads.   Should be an exciting week.

WEEKLY RANT

Again, we’ll have to keep this brief but if you haven’t tuned in yet, check out “Finding Giants” on NFL Network.  I think it’s pretty interesting even if it wasn’t based on the NY Football Giants.  If you haven’t seen it yet it basically follows the college scouts across the country.   I never really knew how intense the travel schedule was for these guys.  Fucking driving thousands of miles in an Altima to University of North Dakota takes a special breed.   Really interesting TV, way better than Hard knocks in my opinion.

I’m not much a college football fan and only tune in from time to time but watching the top 10 get decimated was pretty cool because I’m really looking forward to those teams who are at 5 or 6 spots bitch and complain about not getting in the playoff.  The playoff is a great step forward but there is no way it is going to appease everyone.  In fact, there will probably more outrage now because you’ll have many 1 loss teams wanting to get in, especially now since basically everyone will have at least 1 loss.

I’m fucking addicted to Candy Crush and I don’t even know how it happened.  I’m too cheap to pay for the game so when I run out of lives it says you have to wait so many minutes to start getting lives again.  I think that what it is.  If I can’t get by a level then I get so pissed that I must find a way to beat it.  Fuck you King Media I’m coming for you.  Don’t worry though you will never get one of those Candy Crush invites on Facebook from me.  Speaking of Facebook, I was on it the other day and I ended getting so confused.  I was scrolling through the News Feed thingy and  realized that I had no idea who these people were.  I noticed that on 3 posts in a row were from people I have never said 2 words to in my life.  Why the fuck am I reading this shit?  One post was from a kid’s brother in high school who I literally have met formally.  The next was from a kid in my neighborhood and he was on the same bus stop as me.  We never spoke at the bus stop nor ever in school and the last one I just have no fucking idea who the guy was.  I had to sit there and just wonder #1 why we are friends on Facebook and #2 why do I even bother reading the garbage.  I use to say to myself it’s a good way to stay in contact with people.  Then I realized that the people that know me all have my cell phone number or email or have the means to get it.  Facebook was great when it first came out because you could stalk broads from your past or new ones you might meet.  Now with all the privacy stuff that’s gone by the wayside.

Lastly, my worries of Unsolved Mysteries becoming repeats were unfounded.  I think they might just replay some on the weekends because the last 2 weeks have been nothing but murders and lost loves for Hal.

 VIDEO OF THE WEEK

I found this one while I was searching for the Miss South Carolina above.   Which one do you think is worse?  In my opinion, the South Carolina is far worse for 2 reasons.  #1 It seems like Utah just had a brain fart and couldn’t articulate what she was trying to say while South Carolina is probably partially retarded.    #2 Utah is way more of a wouldn’t that South Carolina and that friends is not up for debate.

MY WEEKLY FANTASY LINEUP (SALARY CAP 60K)

This is where I really let myself down last week.   I hit on a few like Eli, Murray and Lions D but the rest of my execution was garbage.   I got beat pretty handily.   Here’s looking at you Sankey.  I tried to get too cute last week.  Here’s my winning team this week.  Again, playing head to head vs come cunt in cyberspace.

QB E Manning $7200 (he’s actually worth less this week.  Makes no sense)

RB M Lynch $9200

RB B Oliver $6200

WR A Brown  $8900

WR E Sanders $8000

WR R Randle $5900 (I might switch him out but there are not many receivers at this price point)

TE T Wright $5200

K R Gould $4600

D Packers $4800

SURVIVOR POOL PICK OF THE WEEK

This is the second time this year where I had come to grips that I was being eliminated only to get saved at the end of the day.  Saints barely pulled it out last week.  This week’s pick took me about 3 seconds.  It’s the only one on the board for me.  A whale’s vagina.   As much as I hate picking the Chargers in anything, they are playing Oakland.  I mean come on.  The only loser last week in my pool was Detroit where maybe a dozen or so had.   I’m not sure of total left as I haven’t received the email but it’s around 100.

HAL’S WEEK 6 PICKS (Hal’s not picking any over/unders, just straight games baby)

NFL WEEK 6 Linesjpg_Page1WEEK 5 GAMES PRETTY SOLID REVIEW

NFL WEEK 5 Lines resultsjpg_Page1LAST WEEK & YTD RESULTS

Week 4 Results 10-5

YTD Results 35-41

Week 4 Best Bets 2-1

Best Bets YTD 10-5

Parlays YTD 1-0

Teasers YTD 1-0

Quote of the Week

This week’s from one of the best

“There’s a critical point, where you’ve stayed single too long, that your brain switches from “No don’t say that” to “Eh, fuck it.  Say it.  See what happens.”

–Bill Burr

People of the internet.  Behold at another week of perfection in Hal Verl’s sweet world of best bets.  We are now 6-0 in the last 2 weeks and 8-1 the last 3 weeks.   Just an incredible turnaround from the first week debacle.   Week 4 was just an all around great week.  We also won the teaser that we threw out there, the head to head fan duel and made it through another week in survivor.  We even ticked up the performance in the picks of every game with an 8-5 week.   As long as we keep hitting the best bets is all that matters because those are the only games that I actually play so I’ve had a nice last 2 weeks in the 5 Dimes account.

QUICK LEAGUE NOTES

It is truly amazing how quickly fortunes can turn around in the NFL.  It’s the only sport out there where just a few weeks can drastically change the view or feeling of a franchise.  I think the fall of the NFC East was greatly overstated with a large consensus thinking it would be the worst division in football.  Both the Cowboys and Giants are looking to be resurgent.   The Jets, Falcons, Saints Steelers, New England, Buffalo, Carolina all suffered very tough losses and look to have their season’s teetering in the wind.   I’m sure in the next couple of weeks the league will be flipped upside down all over again on this roller coaster regular season that is filled with a bunch of teams that are millimeters from good or being bad.   It’s nice to focus on the stuff solely on the field again.

 WEEKLY RANT

I think it’s absolute bullshit that former referee Mike Carey who famously told the NFL he would not referee games in Washington because he thought the name was disrespectful.  However, he doesn’t mind collecting a paycheck on Thursday night football and can comment on the calls on the field during the game.  That’s so hypocritical and I heard no one call this guy out.    If he thought the word Redskins was so bad he could have told CBS, I can’t broadcast this game.   Mike Carey, you sir are a cunt.

Has anyone seen the Icky Woods Geico commercial?  I don’t know why but I think it’s fucking hysterical.   As he’s dancing he’s saying “Get some cold cuts, get some cold cuts”  That TD dance I think is one of, if not the best, of all time.

I was watching HBO Real Sports the other night which I think is a pretty solid show.  They did a story on Fan Duel and the other one day fantasy sites.   They are growing like crazy and the reason they exist is because they fall under a loop hole where it’s not considered a game of chance.   This rule came into play way back when people were basically play old style Rotisserie sports.  Sports betting is considered a game of change and that’s why it’s basically illegal in most states.  There are some advocates out there to try to get these sites shut down and have them considered gambling sites.   I would cry if that happened.  I really like this so much more than traditional fantasy.   They profiled a few guys who makes hundred of thousands a year playing Fan Duel.    One of the guys had this crazy algorithm system, similar to a stock trading algorithm.   It was pretty fascinating.  If you have a bid enough bank roll and can win 55-60% of the games you enter you can win a ton of money.  You can also do it all year around playing all sports.  I’ve noticed that most guys I play are playing in dozens or hundreds of games at a time.

I’m on the TV kick now so I ask the question?  Has anyone ever seen an episode of the Big Bang Theory?  I ask because I have only seen maybe 2 minutes of one and it appears to be terrible.  I’m just wondering why it’s still on TV and why the actors just singed huge deals.

VIDEO OF THE WEEK

OK, I’m ready to skate through a fucking brick wall and kill communists.

MY WEEKLY FANTASY LINEUP (SALARY CAP 60K)

I love the head to head matchups on fan duel.  It’s so fucking awesome.  I ended up winning last week on a late Dez Bryant touchdown after my opponent had taken a late lead on a Jimmy Graham touchdown just minutes earlier.   We scored over 120 points and that was after Falcons D getting -4 points.   It was nice to get on the winning side and I will only be playing head to heads from here on out I think.  My team did well and I probably would have done well in a 5 or 10 team game.    This is what I have so far but I have a feeling I’ll be changing this up a touch before Sunday.

QB E Manning $7300

RB D Murray  $9000

RB B Sankey  $5900  (Love this play this week, great value at $5900)

WR V Cruz $7000

WR J Edelman $7400

WR B Cooks  $6200

TE M Bennett  $7300

K S Suisham $4800

D Lions  $4800

SURVIVOR POOL PICK OF THE WEEK

There was 331 entries in the pool I’m in which is a $8275 prize pool.    Pittsburgh losing last week knocked a bunch of people out and I think about another 50 people got bounced so were getting down to close to only a little over 100 people left.     This week is super interesting and I think the picks will be all over the map.   I thought that Pitt was going to be a slam dunk pick this week but honestly they look awful and they are away.  I think they will win but I think it’s going to be close.  Too close for comfort for me.   I’m not happy about this pick as they haven’t looked great including getting smoked last week.  However, I think the pick this week is New Orleans.  Their home record is pretty incredible and I think they come out and blow the doors off Tampa.   They are the biggest favorite at a 10.5 spread.   This is probably the only time you are going to have to opportunity to pick them.  They don’t play TB again til the last week of the season and their schedule is formidable the rest of the way.      So lets roll with the Saints in week 5.

HAL’S WEEK 5 PICKS

NFL WEEK 5 Linesjpg_Page1I absolutely hate taking the Giants in general but making them a best bet is a step I never thought I would take.   My reasoning is pretty simple and it has nothing to do with being a fan.  The Falcons have had to replace 4/5 of their offensive line.  They had a tight end playing right tackle last week because they lost some many players to injurt.  Their offense goes by getting the ball down the field to Jones and White.  I just don’t see how their offense is going to function with a line in that much disarray.   They also suck on the road and their defense is ranked 31st.  Washington also has just far too many injured players to complete with Seattle.   Lastly, I’ve been on the Dallas overs all year so I’m not changing it now.

WEEK 4 GAMES GETTING BETTER REVIEW

NFL WEEK 4 Lines donejpg_Page1LAST WEEK & YTD RESULTS

Week 4 Results 8-5

YTD Results 25-36

Week 4 Best Bets 3-0

Best Bets YTD 8-4

Parlays YTD 1-0

Teasers YTD 1-0

Quote of the Week

I’m not really sure if I can top last week’s voicemail but here is a strong effort.  This week’s:

“I spent 90% of my money on woman and drink.  The rest I wasted.”

–George Best

3-0.  Let me repeat that because it bears repeating.  3-0.  A clean sweep for Hal Verl Best Bets in week 3.   Including in that was a 2 team parlay that I told you to back the truck up for.  (it could have been a 3 team parlay).  Had to sweat out the Balt/Cle over but the other 2 games were no sweat type games that were locked up just after halftime.  Now the rest of the picks were subpar at best however all that matters are the games you have the action on.  If you are laying scratch on every game then you have a problem and should call one of those 800 numbers to get help.   We are 5-1 in the last 2 week in Best bets and looking forward to trying to continue that momentum.   We also will be unleashing our first 3 team teaser this week.  More on that below.

QUICK LEAGUE NOTES

It’s been nice this week without being beaten over the head with domestic violence or child abuse.   The large majority of this comes from the use of Twitter and the amount of sports shows that are on TV now.  It got me thinking that it’s not the first time this has happened in the league.  Guys have been abusing their wives, beating their kids and generally doing stupid shit for years.  It’s only magnified now because there are so many vehicles now to broadcast bad shit.  You can go back and look at pretty much every team and I can guarantee you’ll find a guy at some time in the past who beat his wife or kids, smoked weed, did drugs, got DWI’s.  However, today there are 15 million sport talk shows and they only talk about stuff that gets ratings which is the bad stuff.    I’m sure a bunch of guys are happy that social media or endless talk shows weren’t around during their younger days.  One being Peyton Manning.   When he was at Tennessee he supposedly dropped his pants in front of a female trainer.  Nothing happened to him and I think they might have just settled with the trainer.   Imaging if that happened now, he would be getting the same treatment as Jameis Winston at Florida State.   Being an immature college kid just doesn’t cut it anymore.

WEEKLY RANT

I don’t know if anyone saw Keith Olbermann try to create ratings on his garbage program and basically shit on Derek Jeter.  First of all, anyone who has to do something like that is so desperate for people to watch him it’s pathetic.  Keith Olbermann has never been relevant in his life.  He was OK on Sportscenter I guess but that was because it was the only show that showed sports at the time.   During his more than 6 minute diatribe, he tries to come up with all of these stats that are mainly pulled from Sabermetrics.  He mainly tries to use his WAR (Wins after replacement) as a piece of evidence.   He then proceeds give you an analysis of these numbers which he basically uses wrong in every way but thinks he’s making this great argument.    He compares him offensively to sluggers (first baseman & outfielders).  He’s a fucking shortstop and has never been a home run hitter.  Your supposed to compare him to the guys at his position.  He then compares him defensively to guys who started out as SS but moved to other positions and didn’t play anywhere near the amount of games Jeter did.  If you are going to come out and shit on a guy then at least have your evidence make sense.  He basically just threw out terms like WAR and other metrics to make himself sound well informed in the hopes of people never hearing of these stats so believing what he was saying was accurate.

Now his point of Derek Jeter overkill this season is well taken as even as a Yankee fan it’s been a little exhausting.  The endless gifts and patches are really not necessary.   Is Jeter overrated?  Probably he was a little bit but he also plays on the most popular team and has done it for 2 decades.   I don’t think it’s possible to play SS for the Yankees and fly under the radar.  He also banged some incredible broads.  Minka Kelly anyone?  All I know is his play in the clutch and some of the highlight plays he’s made are legendary.   During a time where steroids ran rampant, Jeter played the game the right way under the biggest microscope in sports.  So go lick balls, Keith Olbermann.  You are a cunt.

On another note, the big downside for me this week is that I think I’ve gone through all of the Unsolved Mysteries reruns.  I started getting duplicates on the DVR and hoping that there are more that Lifetime is saving for me.

 

VIDEO OF THE WEEK

The clip above got me going on the Seinfeld kick today

MY WEEKLY FANTASY LINEUP (SALARY CAP 60K)

I had some tough luck last week as I put together a strong team.  However, since Jamal Charles was a game time decision I couldn’t go into the 4pm games with K Davis in there so I swapped him out with L Miller, who actually did OK.  By doing this I gained a few hundread extra dollars so  I also switched out kickers from Vinateri to Gano.    If I had left everything the same I would have won.  I instead came in 2nd.  Also, if Cam Newton didn’t throw a basically meaningless TD to Greg Olsen then I would have won regardless what line up I had in.    This week I’m going to switch it up and play just a head to head match against some chump instead of the 5 team league to try to get on the winning side before it’s too late.   I’m clearly all in on the DAL/NO being high scoring, if it is then I have a great shot.   If not, then it will be a loser.

 QB B Roethlisberger  $7700

RB D Murray  $9000

RB L Miller  $6900

WR D Bryant  $8900

WR S Smith  $6100

WR B Cooks  $6200

TE A Gates  $5800

K R Gould  $4600

D Atlanta  $4700

SURVIVOR POOL PICK OF THE WEEK

There was 331 entries in the pool I’m in which is a $8275 prize pool.    There was not 1 loss this week so still half the pool is still around.    This week is interesting as I see some a few ways you can go with the pick.  I think SD, Indy & Pit are the clear cut favorites.   Pit plays the Jags next week so I’ll hold off on them and the Chargers have the Raiders the following.  So even though SD is by far the largest favorite I need to start making some planning so I’m going to go with Indy this week.   They don’t have a really great matchup coming up in the next few weeks so lets ride with them.

If you say, “Hal, you’re a douche bag that’s a terrible pick”.  Here’s an alternative pick for you Monday Morning Quarterbacks Cunts:  Chargers or Steelers (FYI….My alternate pick of the Bengals won an easy one last week)

HAL’S WEEK 4 PICKS 

NFL WEEK 4 Linesjpg_Page1Here’s a 3 team teaser for you babes (6 points)

Indy +1.5, Jac/SD over 38.5, NO/Dal over 47

WEEK 3 GAMES SHITTY REVIEW

  Thank god for those best bets

NFL WEEK 3 Linesajpg_Page1 LAST WEEK & YTD RESULTS

Week 3 Results 6-10

YTD Results 17-31

Week 3 Best Bets 3-0

Best Bets YTD 5-4

Parlays YTD 1-0

Quote of the Week

This week’s is a transcription from the best voice-mail I have ever received.  It was from Norman at the Front Desk of the Tides.  I evidently was on my balcony being quite rambunctious after a GMEN win.  I actually had to look up the date and then Google it to see what game it was.    The message was left on November 6th, 2011 at 7:12pm.  This was minutes after a stirring comeback victory against the Patriots in Foxborough.   This also just so happened to be a Super Bowl preview that would take place a few months later.  GMEN were also victorious in that game.

“Hello Scott, this is Norman at the front desk.  I’m calling to let you know that I got a complaint stating that you’re on the balcony….ahhhh……..screaming at the top of your lungs and throwing things off the balcony.  Ahhhhmm….I’m just calling to let you know that’s not allowed.  Ummm…..and if you could just keep it down a notch.  If you get this message ummm call back.  Thank you Bye “

-Norman from the Front Desk

I kinda miss Norman.   As I’ve been typing this I’ve been wondering how I can get that voicemail on the blog.  We’ll I just figured it out.  I had a great time following along with the quote as norman is speaking.  Enjoy

(Kinda lame but the Keyshawn and Strahan ones are pretty awesome)

Another shit week in Hal Verl’s land of picks.  Just a flat out ass whipping the lines makers gave me.  However, 2-1 in the Best bets is at least a step in the right direction and I will unveil my first parlay of the year below to spice things up in Week 3.

QUICK LEAGUE NOTES

Man oh man oh man….it’s just getting worse by the day for the league with these guys.  If the teams and league just came out immediately and disciplined these guys as soon as these events took place then there would be no outcry.  It’s pretty unreal how all of this is going down.  If I’m the NFL I start airing things on their own network that shows the other hundreds of guys who have great stories or are positive role models to try to get some positive stuff out there.  There’s only so much child abusing, wife beating news fans can take.  It’s gotten to the point where its just exhausting.  I don’t want to see pictures of kids whip marks.   I think it’s pretty safe to say that you won’t see AP or Greg Hardy joining Ray Rice on the sidelines for the rest of the year.

Minus all the parties involved in the various stories, the biggest idiot I have heard has to be Reggie Bush.  In case you missed it, he was interviewed on WFAN yesterday and basically said that he would consider using a switch on his kid depending on what the kid did.  Are you fucking retarded?  Even if you were thinking about disciplining your kid that way, why in the world would you tell the nation that?   I guess that USC education isn’t all that great after all.   What a fucking douche!

As far as the games on the field, there are 8 games that the spread is a field goal or less.  That’s pretty amazing and since no one in the media is interested talking about the games then I will.  The fucking penalties have gone from stupid to absurd.  They really can’t call any actual penalties because a flag for illegal contact is being thrown every play.   I remember when they use to call holding on the offensive line.  This has gone by the wayside.   Now they only call it unless it’s blatantly obvious.    I really thought that once the regular season started it would calm down but it seems to have gotten worse.  I had a great idea while watching last weeks games during a 15 minute stretch where I saw no less than 15 flags thrown while channel surfing.  About half of them I’m still trying to figure out what the ref saw.    Here’s my idea, the receiver and the DB have to hold each other’s cocks while running down the field.  You have to make a one handed catch while holding the other player’s dingy.   If you take your other hand off his schlong to attempt to make a catch then it’s a flag.  This goes for both offensive and defensive players.  However, if you pull you hand off to rub the other players balls then the flag is picked up.  The game is getting to the point where it’s being this gay.

Lastly, I saw a stat during the Ravens game that said Billy Cundiff was 63 of 63 in FG from inside 30 yards.  Now that’s not a tough kick but you would have thought a bad snap or a slip here and there would cause you to miss maybe 1.  That’s probably proof they really need to do something with the field goals to make them more difficult because these guys make 50+ yarders with regularity.  I remember when a 50 yarder was a crazy distance to hit.

WEEKLY RANT

The Direct TV world’s most powerful fan commercials are pretty fucking gay.  That’s pretty much it.   I’m sorry I’m really lacking in this department.  My alternative to football called cockball (see above) would probably be considered my weekly rant.

Oh, I watched the Saved By the Bell, unauthorized movie the other day.  It was fucking terrible.  Actually, speaking of TV, I DVR the reruns of Unsolved Mysteries and watch them usually in the mornings as I’m getting my bearings in the morning in my office.  I do this because Unsolved Mysteries is the Tits.  Now, these are the remakes with Dennis Faurina and not the original ones with Robert Stack but they are still awesome.  I’ve been doing this for the last few weeks and there already have been 3 mysteries (all murders) that were based out of Fort Lauderdale.  I’m surprised the whole fucking show isn’t based out of there.  The most recent one I saw was something that happened in the early 2000’s.  A hotel manager in the Lauderdale by the sea had taken over some land that stopped a guy from having direct beach access.    So this guy hires someone to pour oil in the shitty little hotel’s pool and also dumped acid on the guys bushes in an attempt to get this manager fired.  When this didn’t work he hired the same guy to throw the same acid in the manager’s face while coming out of Publix one day.  The guy dies a horrible excruciating death a few days later.   They eventually catch everyone involved but I’m shocked that sometime like this could happen in such a normal place like Fort Liquordale.

VIDEO OF THE WEEK

How have I never seen this before?  I’ve been singing this song for about 20 minutes and it keeps getting better.

MY WEEKLY FANTASY LINEUP (SALARY CAP 60K)

Last week I came in 4th of 5 so no winnings and I was only 9 points out of 2nd.  I find that pretty impressive considering I started a child abuser at RB 1 and paid $8800 for him only to be deactivated for the game.  I’ve learned 2 valuable lessons in the process.  #1 Try not to start felons in your lineup.  #2 Never choose a Fan Duel game that starts for the Thursday night games because once the game on Thursday night starts your entire lineup cannot be edited.  From now on I will only be playing in the games that start on Sunday.  This way your lineup can be changed up until the 1 pm games.  You live and you learn I guess.  I also went around and looked at some of the winners in various games and noticed a definite trend.  It’s all about finding the backups or fringe starters who are cheap but can give you some OK points.  This way you can spend on some big players.  That’s what I did this week.  With all the injuries going on I was able to find awesome value at QB & RB and put those resources into the receiving core.  My receivers this week are stacked.   I’m going to try the same league type with the 5 guys to win 5x minus the 10% VIG.   I’m loving this lineup this week though.  I think this is the week I break through.

QB K Cousins $6800

RB K Davis $7000

RB K Robinson $4700

WR J Nelson $8600

WR D Bryant $8600

WR C Johnson $9000

TE L Donnell $4900

K  A Vinatieri $5000

D Patriots $5400

SURVIVOR POOL PICK OF THE WEEK

There was 331 entries in the pool I’m in which is a $8275 prize pool.   It’s now down by about half already just 2 weeks in thanks to NO & SF last week.   I’m taking New England which is again by far the largest favorite on the board @ home vs Oakland.   If you look at New England’s schedule, they really don’t have a game remaining left in their schedule where you would have a ton of confidence in like this week. Especially since the AFC East looks improved as a whole.   This was a no brainer for me.

If you say, “Hal, you’re a douche bag that’s a terrible pick”.  Here’s an alternative pick for you Monday Morning Quarterbacks Cunts:  Bengals (FYI….My alternate pick of the Saints lost last week.  That is why you take the surest thing you can)

HAL’S WEEK 3 PICKS 

NFL WEEK 3 Lines picjpg_Page1

Here comes the first parlay of the season…..I am going to 2 team parlay the overs in the Balt/Cle & Phi/Wash Games.  I also think you can back up the truck on both of those games.   By far I think the 2 best games this year.  

WEEK 2 GAMES SHITTY REVIEW

Cunts…..it really didn’t get any better.  My only solace is going 2-1 in the Best Bets but besides that what a flaming pile of dog shit.  I ain’t stopping though.  This fucking train is going onward and upward.  

NFL WEEK 2 Lines results picjpg_Page1

LAST WEEK & YTD RESULTS

Week 2 Results 5-11

YTD Results 11-21

Week 2 Best Bets 2-1

Best Bets YTD 2-4

Quote of the Week

This week’s:

“Life is not that complicated.  You get up, you go to work, eat three meals, take one good shit and you go back to bed.  What’s the fucking mystery?”

-George Carlin

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