I interrupt everyone getting Ebola for the latest edition of Parlays and Teasers.  I’m just a fucking plow horse.  If you need shit plowed you call me.  You need your street plowed when it snows, you call me.  You need a field of corn plowed during harvesting season.  You call me.  You need someone to plow horse through these NFL lines, you read Parlays and Teasers.  I’m just plow horsing these NFL lines week after week now.  Another 2-1 best bets in week 7 and a solid 9-5 overall ATS.   We’re at 66% winners on the Best Bets for the season.  That’s far better than I ever could have imagined especially after a 0-3 start.    If you strip out that first week then the winning percentage goes to 80% for Weeks 2-6.  That’s pretty fucking dope.   That’s the good news.  Here’s the bad news.  I hate this week, absolutely hate it.  I have no conviction whatsoever.  Full disclosure, I don’t think I’m going wager anything for myself this week as I just have no confidence.   The range of the lines are so compact.  The smallest line is 3 but the largest line is 7.  So basically Vegas is saying every game will be decided by a TD or less but more than a field goal.  Fuck you.  I’m having a hard time picking 3 best bets but I’m not one to back down for a challenge so let’s see if we can continue our momentum this week.    Back to the video above, what the fuck is that but damn that tune is catchy.


Some fat white coach (probably Bill Parcells or Andy Reid) once said “You’re never as good as it looks and never as bad as it looks”.  It’s amazing the week to week swings some of these teams go through.  One week they look like they can make a run and the next they look awful.   It’s truly amazing.

I’ve been having a hard time getting the blog up before the Thursday night games.  But honestly, they all have been so terrible (with the exception of last night finally) I figured why bother rushing just to get it in before a terrible game.   I’m glad I haven’t the last few weeks as I probably would have been wrong.  But they really need to figure something out with those games because for the most part they have been unwatchable.


The biggest problem with gambling, fantasy, and being just a plain fan is that worlds collide so often it gets so hard for everything to align.  In fact, it rarely or never happens.  Case in point, last week when I found out that 40 people in Survivor had picked the Seahawks your immediately thought would normally “Come on Dallas”.  But being a fan of the New York Football Giants I hate Dallas.  Plus they were 4-1 and if they lost and Giants beat Philly (as we know none came close to happening) then there would be a logjam at the top of the NFC East.   But then you think the Survivor pool is like 9 grand so fuck it come on Dallas.    But does that make someone a bad fan cheering for a rival team.  I say no because it’s purely for betting purposes.  I also wasn’t openly cheering out loud.  If Seattle won then fine but I’m glad they lost because I’m halfway closer to the money.   I feel as long as you are not clearly cheering against your own team then it’s fine.

The last time the Kansas City Royals were in the World Series was 1985, 29 Years ago.  I was 7 years old, what a joke.   I thought it would be funny to see what was happening back then

  • Only six states had laws that required wearing seatbelts.
  • 20 states had not yet raised their minimum drinking age to 21.
  • You could still smoke on airplanes, but Aspen, Colo., had just begun enforcing a law banning smoking in restaurants, becoming the first American city to do so.
  •  “Back to the Future” ruled the box office that year, but for a few weeks in October, the No. 1 movie was “Commando,” in which Alyssa Milano, in her first major movie role, played the kidnapped daughter of Arnold Schwarzenegger.  (Side Note: Commando was a tits movie)
  • Billboard No. 1 songs in October were “Money for Nothing” by Dire Straits, “Oh Sheila” by Ready for the World, “Take on Me” by A-ha and “Saving All My Love for You” by Whitney Houston.
  • Nintendo was test-marketing its first home video game consoles in New York, featuring games like Duck Hunt, Donkey Kong and Super Mario Brothers.
  • Microsoft was preparing to release Windows 1.0 in November.
  • Jerry Rice, a rookie receiver for the San Francisco 49ers, had one career touchdown catch. He now holds the N.F.L. record with 197.
  • Cost of gallon of Gas $1.20


I’ve never seen this before and while were on the subject of diarrhea


If there is something I really need to improve on it’s definitely this.   I’m pretty horrible at this so far.  I got steamrolled last week again.  I’ve only had 1 win in 6 tries.    I actually had many names that fantasy pundits were touting so I thought I was in good shape.

QB T Romo $8000

RB M Lynch $8800

RB L Miller $7200

WR D Jackson $8000

WR M Sanu $7200

WR J Jones $5500

TE J Reed $5400

K S Suisham $4700

D Browns $5200


Unbelievably survived another week when it wasn’t looking great and there was a big drop this past week.  There was 109 people left going into this week and that has been cut by more than half.  By my rough count it’s now down to 53.  I was shocked to see that 40 people had Seattle.  Now Seattle is pretty good at home but Dallas was 4-1 and playing some pretty decent football.   That just seemed to be a really high number but I’ll sure take it.  This shit is getting real but just like the regular games I’m having a hard time with this.   As I’m writing this I’m still trying to decide.   Just to review, I have picked the following:  Philly, Denver, NE, Indy, NO & San Diego so obviously they are all out.   I’ve thought about a lot of teams.  I’ve thought about Dallas but see the section above.  I’ve thought about Cleveland but there is just no way I can go out with Cleveland.  I’ve thought about Green Bay but Carolina just hung around with Cincy.   I think that Baltimore or Seattle are my only real options.   This is where strategy is starting to get to me because Seattle has a juicy matchups @ home vs Oakland in Week 9.  But can I make it that far is the question.   I think I have to go with Baltimore on their strength at home and the Falcons being terrible on the road.   Let’s go Ravens!!




Week 6 Results 9-5

YTD Results 44-46

Week 6 Best Bets 2-1

Best Bets YTD 12-6

Parlays YTD 1-0

Teasers YTD 1-0

Quote of the Week

This week’s:

–I hate when people say that minorities are scary.  White people are the scariest.  You say the wrong thing to the wrong white guy, you end up ducted taped in a basement.   You never turn on CNN and hear “there were 8 dismembered bodies found in the basement of one Tyrone Jackson.”

Seriously, I’ve seen the Saw movies.  Jigsaw wasn’t hispanic.

–comedian Tim (no last name)


“Some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and everywhere such as.”  Hahahahahahahahaha that video is fucking awesome.   I also love how AC Slater is the fucking host of a teen USA pageant.   There was a Saved by the Bell where Zack enters Screech in a Miss Bayside pageant because of a bet with Slater.  This in turn makes Slater enter the pageant because he thinks if a man should win it should be him.  Well that plan backfires because Zack gets the whole school to think Slater gave Screech a black eye.   Slater should know he shouldn’t mess with Zack when it comes to a bet.   For those of you who haven’t seen that episode, Screech ends up winning in a waltz against Kelly, Lisa and Jessie (of course).

Sorry for that brief tangent.  I must try to incorporate Saved by Bell more in ParlaysandTeasers.  Anyway, this might be a truncated version as I’m burning day light here so wanted to incorporate some comedy.   Lastly, before I get to the games and reviews,  I am thinking about making some ParlaysandTeasers Tshirts or hats or some type of swag.  But I would love a tag line to go along with it, like ParlaysandTeasers.com (insert tag line here).  Maybe a reader can help me with this.

I titled this week’s edition (which is the 27th edition, by the way) as it was appropriate as how I felt throughout last weeks games.  It wasn’t looking good for while but was able to squeak out a 2-1 Best Bets week.  All things considered it was actually ended up being a nice week but it just didn’t have that feel as the last few.  But I will take 2-1’s all day long.  I also went 10-5 in the all pick section.  Let’s go look at some maps to try to find South Africa.


Not really much to say here.   However, some real nice matchups this week.  Taking a look at this weeks games, there are a ton of tight spreads.   Should be an exciting week.


Again, we’ll have to keep this brief but if you haven’t tuned in yet, check out “Finding Giants” on NFL Network.  I think it’s pretty interesting even if it wasn’t based on the NY Football Giants.  If you haven’t seen it yet it basically follows the college scouts across the country.   I never really knew how intense the travel schedule was for these guys.  Fucking driving thousands of miles in an Altima to University of North Dakota takes a special breed.   Really interesting TV, way better than Hard knocks in my opinion.

I’m not much a college football fan and only tune in from time to time but watching the top 10 get decimated was pretty cool because I’m really looking forward to those teams who are at 5 or 6 spots bitch and complain about not getting in the playoff.  The playoff is a great step forward but there is no way it is going to appease everyone.  In fact, there will probably more outrage now because you’ll have many 1 loss teams wanting to get in, especially now since basically everyone will have at least 1 loss.

I’m fucking addicted to Candy Crush and I don’t even know how it happened.  I’m too cheap to pay for the game so when I run out of lives it says you have to wait so many minutes to start getting lives again.  I think that what it is.  If I can’t get by a level then I get so pissed that I must find a way to beat it.  Fuck you King Media I’m coming for you.  Don’t worry though you will never get one of those Candy Crush invites on Facebook from me.  Speaking of Facebook, I was on it the other day and I ended getting so confused.  I was scrolling through the News Feed thingy and  realized that I had no idea who these people were.  I noticed that on 3 posts in a row were from people I have never said 2 words to in my life.  Why the fuck am I reading this shit?  One post was from a kid’s brother in high school who I literally have met formally.  The next was from a kid in my neighborhood and he was on the same bus stop as me.  We never spoke at the bus stop nor ever in school and the last one I just have no fucking idea who the guy was.  I had to sit there and just wonder #1 why we are friends on Facebook and #2 why do I even bother reading the garbage.  I use to say to myself it’s a good way to stay in contact with people.  Then I realized that the people that know me all have my cell phone number or email or have the means to get it.  Facebook was great when it first came out because you could stalk broads from your past or new ones you might meet.  Now with all the privacy stuff that’s gone by the wayside.

Lastly, my worries of Unsolved Mysteries becoming repeats were unfounded.  I think they might just replay some on the weekends because the last 2 weeks have been nothing but murders and lost loves for Hal.


I found this one while I was searching for the Miss South Carolina above.   Which one do you think is worse?  In my opinion, the South Carolina is far worse for 2 reasons.  #1 It seems like Utah just had a brain fart and couldn’t articulate what she was trying to say while South Carolina is probably partially retarded.    #2 Utah is way more of a wouldn’t that South Carolina and that friends is not up for debate.


This is where I really let myself down last week.   I hit on a few like Eli, Murray and Lions D but the rest of my execution was garbage.   I got beat pretty handily.   Here’s looking at you Sankey.  I tried to get too cute last week.  Here’s my winning team this week.  Again, playing head to head vs come cunt in cyberspace.

QB E Manning $7200 (he’s actually worth less this week.  Makes no sense)

RB M Lynch $9200

RB B Oliver $6200

WR A Brown  $8900

WR E Sanders $8000

WR R Randle $5900 (I might switch him out but there are not many receivers at this price point)

TE T Wright $5200

K R Gould $4600

D Packers $4800


This is the second time this year where I had come to grips that I was being eliminated only to get saved at the end of the day.  Saints barely pulled it out last week.  This week’s pick took me about 3 seconds.  It’s the only one on the board for me.  A whale’s vagina.   As much as I hate picking the Chargers in anything, they are playing Oakland.  I mean come on.  The only loser last week in my pool was Detroit where maybe a dozen or so had.   I’m not sure of total left as I haven’t received the email but it’s around 100.

HAL’S WEEK 6 PICKS (Hal’s not picking any over/unders, just straight games baby)


NFL WEEK 5 Lines resultsjpg_Page1LAST WEEK & YTD RESULTS

Week 4 Results 10-5

YTD Results 35-41

Week 4 Best Bets 2-1

Best Bets YTD 10-5

Parlays YTD 1-0

Teasers YTD 1-0

Quote of the Week

This week’s from one of the best

“There’s a critical point, where you’ve stayed single too long, that your brain switches from “No don’t say that” to “Eh, fuck it.  Say it.  See what happens.”

–Bill Burr

People of the internet.  Behold at another week of perfection in Hal Verl’s sweet world of best bets.  We are now 6-0 in the last 2 weeks and 8-1 the last 3 weeks.   Just an incredible turnaround from the first week debacle.   Week 4 was just an all around great week.  We also won the teaser that we threw out there, the head to head fan duel and made it through another week in survivor.  We even ticked up the performance in the picks of every game with an 8-5 week.   As long as we keep hitting the best bets is all that matters because those are the only games that I actually play so I’ve had a nice last 2 weeks in the 5 Dimes account.


It is truly amazing how quickly fortunes can turn around in the NFL.  It’s the only sport out there where just a few weeks can drastically change the view or feeling of a franchise.  I think the fall of the NFC East was greatly overstated with a large consensus thinking it would be the worst division in football.  Both the Cowboys and Giants are looking to be resurgent.   The Jets, Falcons, Saints Steelers, New England, Buffalo, Carolina all suffered very tough losses and look to have their season’s teetering in the wind.   I’m sure in the next couple of weeks the league will be flipped upside down all over again on this roller coaster regular season that is filled with a bunch of teams that are millimeters from good or being bad.   It’s nice to focus on the stuff solely on the field again.


I think it’s absolute bullshit that former referee Mike Carey who famously told the NFL he would not referee games in Washington because he thought the name was disrespectful.  However, he doesn’t mind collecting a paycheck on Thursday night football and can comment on the calls on the field during the game.  That’s so hypocritical and I heard no one call this guy out.    If he thought the word Redskins was so bad he could have told CBS, I can’t broadcast this game.   Mike Carey, you sir are a cunt.

Has anyone seen the Icky Woods Geico commercial?  I don’t know why but I think it’s fucking hysterical.   As he’s dancing he’s saying “Get some cold cuts, get some cold cuts”  That TD dance I think is one of, if not the best, of all time.

I was watching HBO Real Sports the other night which I think is a pretty solid show.  They did a story on Fan Duel and the other one day fantasy sites.   They are growing like crazy and the reason they exist is because they fall under a loop hole where it’s not considered a game of chance.   This rule came into play way back when people were basically play old style Rotisserie sports.  Sports betting is considered a game of change and that’s why it’s basically illegal in most states.  There are some advocates out there to try to get these sites shut down and have them considered gambling sites.   I would cry if that happened.  I really like this so much more than traditional fantasy.   They profiled a few guys who makes hundred of thousands a year playing Fan Duel.    One of the guys had this crazy algorithm system, similar to a stock trading algorithm.   It was pretty fascinating.  If you have a bid enough bank roll and can win 55-60% of the games you enter you can win a ton of money.  You can also do it all year around playing all sports.  I’ve noticed that most guys I play are playing in dozens or hundreds of games at a time.

I’m on the TV kick now so I ask the question?  Has anyone ever seen an episode of the Big Bang Theory?  I ask because I have only seen maybe 2 minutes of one and it appears to be terrible.  I’m just wondering why it’s still on TV and why the actors just singed huge deals.


OK, I’m ready to skate through a fucking brick wall and kill communists.


I love the head to head matchups on fan duel.  It’s so fucking awesome.  I ended up winning last week on a late Dez Bryant touchdown after my opponent had taken a late lead on a Jimmy Graham touchdown just minutes earlier.   We scored over 120 points and that was after Falcons D getting -4 points.   It was nice to get on the winning side and I will only be playing head to heads from here on out I think.  My team did well and I probably would have done well in a 5 or 10 team game.    This is what I have so far but I have a feeling I’ll be changing this up a touch before Sunday.

QB E Manning $7300

RB D Murray  $9000

RB B Sankey  $5900  (Love this play this week, great value at $5900)

WR V Cruz $7000

WR J Edelman $7400

WR B Cooks  $6200

TE M Bennett  $7300

K S Suisham $4800

D Lions  $4800


There was 331 entries in the pool I’m in which is a $8275 prize pool.    Pittsburgh losing last week knocked a bunch of people out and I think about another 50 people got bounced so were getting down to close to only a little over 100 people left.     This week is super interesting and I think the picks will be all over the map.   I thought that Pitt was going to be a slam dunk pick this week but honestly they look awful and they are away.  I think they will win but I think it’s going to be close.  Too close for comfort for me.   I’m not happy about this pick as they haven’t looked great including getting smoked last week.  However, I think the pick this week is New Orleans.  Their home record is pretty incredible and I think they come out and blow the doors off Tampa.   They are the biggest favorite at a 10.5 spread.   This is probably the only time you are going to have to opportunity to pick them.  They don’t play TB again til the last week of the season and their schedule is formidable the rest of the way.      So lets roll with the Saints in week 5.


NFL WEEK 5 Linesjpg_Page1I absolutely hate taking the Giants in general but making them a best bet is a step I never thought I would take.   My reasoning is pretty simple and it has nothing to do with being a fan.  The Falcons have had to replace 4/5 of their offensive line.  They had a tight end playing right tackle last week because they lost some many players to injurt.  Their offense goes by getting the ball down the field to Jones and White.  I just don’t see how their offense is going to function with a line in that much disarray.   They also suck on the road and their defense is ranked 31st.  Washington also has just far too many injured players to complete with Seattle.   Lastly, I’ve been on the Dallas overs all year so I’m not changing it now.



Week 4 Results 8-5

YTD Results 25-36

Week 4 Best Bets 3-0

Best Bets YTD 8-4

Parlays YTD 1-0

Teasers YTD 1-0

Quote of the Week

I’m not really sure if I can top last week’s voicemail but here is a strong effort.  This week’s:

“I spent 90% of my money on woman and drink.  The rest I wasted.”

–George Best

3-0.  Let me repeat that because it bears repeating.  3-0.  A clean sweep for Hal Verl Best Bets in week 3.   Including in that was a 2 team parlay that I told you to back the truck up for.  (it could have been a 3 team parlay).  Had to sweat out the Balt/Cle over but the other 2 games were no sweat type games that were locked up just after halftime.  Now the rest of the picks were subpar at best however all that matters are the games you have the action on.  If you are laying scratch on every game then you have a problem and should call one of those 800 numbers to get help.   We are 5-1 in the last 2 week in Best bets and looking forward to trying to continue that momentum.   We also will be unleashing our first 3 team teaser this week.  More on that below.


It’s been nice this week without being beaten over the head with domestic violence or child abuse.   The large majority of this comes from the use of Twitter and the amount of sports shows that are on TV now.  It got me thinking that it’s not the first time this has happened in the league.  Guys have been abusing their wives, beating their kids and generally doing stupid shit for years.  It’s only magnified now because there are so many vehicles now to broadcast bad shit.  You can go back and look at pretty much every team and I can guarantee you’ll find a guy at some time in the past who beat his wife or kids, smoked weed, did drugs, got DWI’s.  However, today there are 15 million sport talk shows and they only talk about stuff that gets ratings which is the bad stuff.    I’m sure a bunch of guys are happy that social media or endless talk shows weren’t around during their younger days.  One being Peyton Manning.   When he was at Tennessee he supposedly dropped his pants in front of a female trainer.  Nothing happened to him and I think they might have just settled with the trainer.   Imaging if that happened now, he would be getting the same treatment as Jameis Winston at Florida State.   Being an immature college kid just doesn’t cut it anymore.


I don’t know if anyone saw Keith Olbermann try to create ratings on his garbage program and basically shit on Derek Jeter.  First of all, anyone who has to do something like that is so desperate for people to watch him it’s pathetic.  Keith Olbermann has never been relevant in his life.  He was OK on Sportscenter I guess but that was because it was the only show that showed sports at the time.   During his more than 6 minute diatribe, he tries to come up with all of these stats that are mainly pulled from Sabermetrics.  He mainly tries to use his WAR (Wins after replacement) as a piece of evidence.   He then proceeds give you an analysis of these numbers which he basically uses wrong in every way but thinks he’s making this great argument.    He compares him offensively to sluggers (first baseman & outfielders).  He’s a fucking shortstop and has never been a home run hitter.  Your supposed to compare him to the guys at his position.  He then compares him defensively to guys who started out as SS but moved to other positions and didn’t play anywhere near the amount of games Jeter did.  If you are going to come out and shit on a guy then at least have your evidence make sense.  He basically just threw out terms like WAR and other metrics to make himself sound well informed in the hopes of people never hearing of these stats so believing what he was saying was accurate.

Now his point of Derek Jeter overkill this season is well taken as even as a Yankee fan it’s been a little exhausting.  The endless gifts and patches are really not necessary.   Is Jeter overrated?  Probably he was a little bit but he also plays on the most popular team and has done it for 2 decades.   I don’t think it’s possible to play SS for the Yankees and fly under the radar.  He also banged some incredible broads.  Minka Kelly anyone?  All I know is his play in the clutch and some of the highlight plays he’s made are legendary.   During a time where steroids ran rampant, Jeter played the game the right way under the biggest microscope in sports.  So go lick balls, Keith Olbermann.  You are a cunt.

On another note, the big downside for me this week is that I think I’ve gone through all of the Unsolved Mysteries reruns.  I started getting duplicates on the DVR and hoping that there are more that Lifetime is saving for me.



The clip above got me going on the Seinfeld kick today


I had some tough luck last week as I put together a strong team.  However, since Jamal Charles was a game time decision I couldn’t go into the 4pm games with K Davis in there so I swapped him out with L Miller, who actually did OK.  By doing this I gained a few hundread extra dollars so  I also switched out kickers from Vinateri to Gano.    If I had left everything the same I would have won.  I instead came in 2nd.  Also, if Cam Newton didn’t throw a basically meaningless TD to Greg Olsen then I would have won regardless what line up I had in.    This week I’m going to switch it up and play just a head to head match against some chump instead of the 5 team league to try to get on the winning side before it’s too late.   I’m clearly all in on the DAL/NO being high scoring, if it is then I have a great shot.   If not, then it will be a loser.

 QB B Roethlisberger  $7700

RB D Murray  $9000

RB L Miller  $6900

WR D Bryant  $8900

WR S Smith  $6100

WR B Cooks  $6200

TE A Gates  $5800

K R Gould  $4600

D Atlanta  $4700


There was 331 entries in the pool I’m in which is a $8275 prize pool.    There was not 1 loss this week so still half the pool is still around.    This week is interesting as I see some a few ways you can go with the pick.  I think SD, Indy & Pit are the clear cut favorites.   Pit plays the Jags next week so I’ll hold off on them and the Chargers have the Raiders the following.  So even though SD is by far the largest favorite I need to start making some planning so I’m going to go with Indy this week.   They don’t have a really great matchup coming up in the next few weeks so lets ride with them.

If you say, “Hal, you’re a douche bag that’s a terrible pick”.  Here’s an alternative pick for you Monday Morning Quarterbacks Cunts:  Chargers or Steelers (FYI….My alternate pick of the Bengals won an easy one last week)


NFL WEEK 4 Linesjpg_Page1Here’s a 3 team teaser for you babes (6 points)

Indy +1.5, Jac/SD over 38.5, NO/Dal over 47


  Thank god for those best bets


Week 3 Results 6-10

YTD Results 17-31

Week 3 Best Bets 3-0

Best Bets YTD 5-4

Parlays YTD 1-0

Quote of the Week

This week’s is a transcription from the best voice-mail I have ever received.  It was from Norman at the Front Desk of the Tides.  I evidently was on my balcony being quite rambunctious after a GMEN win.  I actually had to look up the date and then Google it to see what game it was.    The message was left on November 6th, 2011 at 7:12pm.  This was minutes after a stirring comeback victory against the Patriots in Foxborough.   This also just so happened to be a Super Bowl preview that would take place a few months later.  GMEN were also victorious in that game.

“Hello Scott, this is Norman at the front desk.  I’m calling to let you know that I got a complaint stating that you’re on the balcony….ahhhh……..screaming at the top of your lungs and throwing things off the balcony.  Ahhhhmm….I’m just calling to let you know that’s not allowed.  Ummm…..and if you could just keep it down a notch.  If you get this message ummm call back.  Thank you Bye “

-Norman from the Front Desk

I kinda miss Norman.   As I’ve been typing this I’ve been wondering how I can get that voicemail on the blog.  We’ll I just figured it out.  I had a great time following along with the quote as norman is speaking.  Enjoy

(Kinda lame but the Keyshawn and Strahan ones are pretty awesome)

Another shit week in Hal Verl’s land of picks.  Just a flat out ass whipping the lines makers gave me.  However, 2-1 in the Best bets is at least a step in the right direction and I will unveil my first parlay of the year below to spice things up in Week 3.


Man oh man oh man….it’s just getting worse by the day for the league with these guys.  If the teams and league just came out immediately and disciplined these guys as soon as these events took place then there would be no outcry.  It’s pretty unreal how all of this is going down.  If I’m the NFL I start airing things on their own network that shows the other hundreds of guys who have great stories or are positive role models to try to get some positive stuff out there.  There’s only so much child abusing, wife beating news fans can take.  It’s gotten to the point where its just exhausting.  I don’t want to see pictures of kids whip marks.   I think it’s pretty safe to say that you won’t see AP or Greg Hardy joining Ray Rice on the sidelines for the rest of the year.

Minus all the parties involved in the various stories, the biggest idiot I have heard has to be Reggie Bush.  In case you missed it, he was interviewed on WFAN yesterday and basically said that he would consider using a switch on his kid depending on what the kid did.  Are you fucking retarded?  Even if you were thinking about disciplining your kid that way, why in the world would you tell the nation that?   I guess that USC education isn’t all that great after all.   What a fucking douche!

As far as the games on the field, there are 8 games that the spread is a field goal or less.  That’s pretty amazing and since no one in the media is interested talking about the games then I will.  The fucking penalties have gone from stupid to absurd.  They really can’t call any actual penalties because a flag for illegal contact is being thrown every play.   I remember when they use to call holding on the offensive line.  This has gone by the wayside.   Now they only call it unless it’s blatantly obvious.    I really thought that once the regular season started it would calm down but it seems to have gotten worse.  I had a great idea while watching last weeks games during a 15 minute stretch where I saw no less than 15 flags thrown while channel surfing.  About half of them I’m still trying to figure out what the ref saw.    Here’s my idea, the receiver and the DB have to hold each other’s cocks while running down the field.  You have to make a one handed catch while holding the other player’s dingy.   If you take your other hand off his schlong to attempt to make a catch then it’s a flag.  This goes for both offensive and defensive players.  However, if you pull you hand off to rub the other players balls then the flag is picked up.  The game is getting to the point where it’s being this gay.

Lastly, I saw a stat during the Ravens game that said Billy Cundiff was 63 of 63 in FG from inside 30 yards.  Now that’s not a tough kick but you would have thought a bad snap or a slip here and there would cause you to miss maybe 1.  That’s probably proof they really need to do something with the field goals to make them more difficult because these guys make 50+ yarders with regularity.  I remember when a 50 yarder was a crazy distance to hit.


The Direct TV world’s most powerful fan commercials are pretty fucking gay.  That’s pretty much it.   I’m sorry I’m really lacking in this department.  My alternative to football called cockball (see above) would probably be considered my weekly rant.

Oh, I watched the Saved By the Bell, unauthorized movie the other day.  It was fucking terrible.  Actually, speaking of TV, I DVR the reruns of Unsolved Mysteries and watch them usually in the mornings as I’m getting my bearings in the morning in my office.  I do this because Unsolved Mysteries is the Tits.  Now, these are the remakes with Dennis Faurina and not the original ones with Robert Stack but they are still awesome.  I’ve been doing this for the last few weeks and there already have been 3 mysteries (all murders) that were based out of Fort Lauderdale.  I’m surprised the whole fucking show isn’t based out of there.  The most recent one I saw was something that happened in the early 2000’s.  A hotel manager in the Lauderdale by the sea had taken over some land that stopped a guy from having direct beach access.    So this guy hires someone to pour oil in the shitty little hotel’s pool and also dumped acid on the guys bushes in an attempt to get this manager fired.  When this didn’t work he hired the same guy to throw the same acid in the manager’s face while coming out of Publix one day.  The guy dies a horrible excruciating death a few days later.   They eventually catch everyone involved but I’m shocked that sometime like this could happen in such a normal place like Fort Liquordale.


How have I never seen this before?  I’ve been singing this song for about 20 minutes and it keeps getting better.


Last week I came in 4th of 5 so no winnings and I was only 9 points out of 2nd.  I find that pretty impressive considering I started a child abuser at RB 1 and paid $8800 for him only to be deactivated for the game.  I’ve learned 2 valuable lessons in the process.  #1 Try not to start felons in your lineup.  #2 Never choose a Fan Duel game that starts for the Thursday night games because once the game on Thursday night starts your entire lineup cannot be edited.  From now on I will only be playing in the games that start on Sunday.  This way your lineup can be changed up until the 1 pm games.  You live and you learn I guess.  I also went around and looked at some of the winners in various games and noticed a definite trend.  It’s all about finding the backups or fringe starters who are cheap but can give you some OK points.  This way you can spend on some big players.  That’s what I did this week.  With all the injuries going on I was able to find awesome value at QB & RB and put those resources into the receiving core.  My receivers this week are stacked.   I’m going to try the same league type with the 5 guys to win 5x minus the 10% VIG.   I’m loving this lineup this week though.  I think this is the week I break through.

QB K Cousins $6800

RB K Davis $7000

RB K Robinson $4700

WR J Nelson $8600

WR D Bryant $8600

WR C Johnson $9000

TE L Donnell $4900

K  A Vinatieri $5000

D Patriots $5400


There was 331 entries in the pool I’m in which is a $8275 prize pool.   It’s now down by about half already just 2 weeks in thanks to NO & SF last week.   I’m taking New England which is again by far the largest favorite on the board @ home vs Oakland.   If you look at New England’s schedule, they really don’t have a game remaining left in their schedule where you would have a ton of confidence in like this week. Especially since the AFC East looks improved as a whole.   This was a no brainer for me.

If you say, “Hal, you’re a douche bag that’s a terrible pick”.  Here’s an alternative pick for you Monday Morning Quarterbacks Cunts:  Bengals (FYI….My alternate pick of the Saints lost last week.  That is why you take the surest thing you can)


NFL WEEK 3 Lines picjpg_Page1

Here comes the first parlay of the season…..I am going to 2 team parlay the overs in the Balt/Cle & Phi/Wash Games.  I also think you can back up the truck on both of those games.   By far I think the 2 best games this year.  


Cunts…..it really didn’t get any better.  My only solace is going 2-1 in the Best Bets but besides that what a flaming pile of dog shit.  I ain’t stopping though.  This fucking train is going onward and upward.  

NFL WEEK 2 Lines results picjpg_Page1


Week 2 Results 5-11

YTD Results 11-21

Week 2 Best Bets 2-1

Best Bets YTD 2-4

Quote of the Week

This week’s:

“Life is not that complicated.  You get up, you go to work, eat three meals, take one good shit and you go back to bed.  What’s the fucking mystery?”

-George Carlin


I thought the title of this post was rather spot on.  I could use it to describe multiple things from this past week.  I could have used it to describe my picks from last week (especially me Best Bets).  I could have used it to describe watching the New York Football Giants play football.  Lastly, I could have used it to describe the shit storm that is about to hit the NFL with this Ray Rice thing which is about to spiral out of control with large ramifications.  More on this below


Can there ever be an NFL season where there isn’t huge controversy about something off the field?  It’s getting tiresome and the media attention that it receives because the league is so popular is nauseating.  This Ray Rice thing is going to get really bad.  Executives in the league will be fired and there will be a ton of heat on Goodell.  They fucked this up from the get go with the original suspension.  Then once a “new” video comes to light all hell breaks loose.  The league saw that video or someone in the league saw the video and hoped it would go away.   It’s not like the crime changed after this video came out.  Regardless of what video was produced, he still knocked out a broad.  Where was all this outrage prior to the video coming out from the league or the team.  It’s just like everything in our pathetic society where as soon as it gets into your living room then it’s not OK.  If it happens outside our little bubbles then fuck it, you can knockout bitches and hoes all you want.


I unfortunately really don’t have much to rant about as I wrote down some things this past week and I lost the piece of paper.   I have since totally forgot what I wrote down, hence the reason I wrote it down in the first fucking place.  I’ll rant in the section below.


I like to post things on the comical side but this week, I read about this and thought it would be good to post.  This cunt face is the reason why sports fans are general terrible.  This guy probably couldn’t name 2 other players on the team because if you actually watched the Giants play you would quickly realize their problems run far deeper than the QB position.  Has Eli been good the last season plus?  No, he’s been terrible but the entire team has been brutal.  The main reason stems from the lack of drafting of quality players over the last couple of years which forced them to try to fill holes in free agency which has never worked before.    You have a million new starters playing and it shows.  No consistency or continuity.

Back to this ass clown, he probably expects to win the Super Bowl every year.  How many rings does Peyton have? 1.  How many rings does Brees have? 1.  How many rings does Rodgers have? 1.  When was the last time Brady won a super Bowl?  I’m pretty sure it was in Bush’s first term.  You see where I’m going with this.   It’s the deal with the devil you have to make.  Giants fans have received 2 epic runs that has been surrounded by the majority of time mediocre football.  It is what it is.  This is how it works.

OK, I’m done with that.  Here’s a fat girl falling off a rope swing for everyone who made it through the last couple paragraphs.


Last week I came in 3rd of 5 so no winnings (I scored 95 but the winner has 148).  You needed to have Julius Thomas to have a really good shot at winning and in fact the guy who won had Julius. On to the next week, and I’m going to try the same league type with the 5 guys to win 5x minus the 10% VIG.  I’ve noticed that the value really comes in with the WR.  I’m loving this weekly league stuff too by the way.  There is no watching guys for an entire season or worrying about having tough luck where you might score a ton of points but not have a good record.  It’s on to the next week and nothing else to worry about.

QB Brees $9400

RB A Peterson $8800

RB R Jennings $6700

WR J Edelman $6400

WR A Boldin $6400

WR K Benjamin $6600

TE M Bennett $6100

K  R Gould $4600

D Buccaneers $4900


Here is a new section and since I’m in a survivor pool then I might as well include it.  There was 331 entries in the pool I’m in which is a $8275 prize pool.   Last week, I sweated out the Eagles and actually at about  2:30 I had already gotten over the fact I was being eliminated in week 1.   I thought if you are going to be eliminated it might as well be in week 1 so this way you don’t have to put the work in to make picks for a few weeks only to get eliminated a few weeks later.  However, I survived and have moved on to week 2.   The good news for me is that almost 125 teams lost out. The Bears were the biggest culprit along with the Pats and Tampa.

I’m a big believer in not getting too cute in the first few weeks.  I don’t mind playing the most obvious play and losing that team because as you can tell by my picks I have no clue who is good.   Also, sometimes you get a team that is clearly good but you really don’t have the opportunity to pick them again for the while.  My week’s pick of Denver falls into this category.  They are the biggest favorite on the board this week at home vs KC who looked terrible.   Next week they take on Seattle so we’re not taking them there.  In Week 4 they have an early bye.  The earliest you can pick again them is Week 5 against the Cardinals which seems to far away to not use them here.

If you say, “Hal, you’re a douche bag that’s a terrible pick”.  Here’s an alternative pick for you Monday Morning Quarterbacks Cunts: Saints


NFL WEEK 2 Lines picjpg_Page1

See what I did there.  I’m going right back to the well on the Best Bets with the Dallas over and Patriots.  Also think that Philly Colts game could be over 60.  I think they payoff this week.


Fuck, that was not the way I was looking to get started but it’s only week 1.  At one point in the afternoon at least my best bets were looking golden.  The pats were up double digits, Cam Newton had just been declared out.  Things were looking good.  It’s amazing how it can turn south so quickly.   

NFL WEEK 1 Lines1 Reults usejpg_Page1


Week 1 Results 6-10

Best Bets 0-3 (Fuck me)

Quote of the Week

I’m enjoying finding these lines, most of them are from various stand up acts but I’ve really never heard of any of these guys and most of them are great.  This week’s:

“I am a big guy now but growing up I was small.  I got bullied a lot and this one kid was real mean.  He beat me up and called me names and made my life a living hell.  In high school, i hit my growth spurt and got bigger and stronger…..

and he got leukemia.  So I win.”

-Bill Squire


Oh yessssssssssssssssss!!!!!! Care, Worried, Matters.  Welcome one and welcome all to the third annual installment of parlays and teasers.  I would love nothing more for this year to be the first year that I can complete an entire year of picks from Week 1 through the Super Bowl.  I am going to do my best to try to be able to accomplish that.  It would be great to start getting a real footprint with logged picks year after year.   Even if I don’t have the time to blog some weeks my intention is to post picks at a minimum to be as legit as possible.  I really do hope to get some nice content on here week after week.   The first couple of weeks I’ll probably be feeling out what I want to change up from previous years, although I have some ideas already.  However, I’m also having writers block no less than 5 minutes into starting this.  With all that said,  thanks for spending a few minutes with good Ole Hal each week.


There’s nothing better than week 1 of the NFL season.  Every team has at least some semblance of hope going into the year even though in most cities that euphoria comes crashing down after about the 1st quarter.   I think the key for my success is being able to identify those teams that will have the sustained success.   This was an achilles heal for me as I was late to the party with the dominant teams.   Last year, I was never a huge believer in Seattle until about halfway through the season.  I thought early on Houston, Atlanta would stop the bleeding at some point.  Teams like the Ravens and Steelers I put too much stock in last year.   I think if I can get a better feel for the year then my picks will improve.  I think the proverbial “eye test” is probably the best analysis out there so my goal is to watch more games.  I now have Direct TV with the NFL Sunday ticket so I except to watch more games than in years past.   I honestly didn’t watch that much football last year due to life getting in the way far too often and watching highlights gives you little to no insight on how a team is actually built.  Minus watching the train wreck called the 2013 NY Football Giants weekly, I probably only tuned into a quarter here and a quarter there on various weeks.  I have vowed to change that and made the investment in the NFL Ticket to back up my talk.  OK, that last sentence was a total fabrication of the truth, I got the NFL package for free this year when I signed up for Direct TV 6 months ago and I only have to cancel it before next season to not get charged.  However, I’m assuming once I have it full time I won’t want to let it go.  Actually, when you do a cost analysis of it, the cost of the season package is about 2 or 3 trips to the sports bar depending on the amount of beers you want to guzzle down or the quantity of wings you want to shove down your trough.

Last thought on the NFL is the couple of guys including Wes Welker getting suspended yesterday for MDMA.   Ahh, ecstasy, now as everyone knows that is a great drug.  It reminds me of the Summer of 1999.   I just wanted to remind everyone of the hierarchy of drugs in case you wanted to know:

1. Ecstasy

2. Coke

3. Weed

Case closed and it’s not up for discussion.    You know I’m right because you take ecstasy first, then you do lines to heighten it, then smoke weed to come down.   Come on, I shouldn’t have to repeat this.

WEEKLY RANT (which will lead into a new section)

Oh, where do I start.  The last time I posted something I was about to become a Dad and close to moving.  I can happily say everything has gone well in both of those regards.   Isabella Poopie Pants is doing great even though she’s allowed me to sleep 10 minutes in 8 months.  Now the worry is trying not to let her put the entire contents of the house in her mouth or attempt to find every piece of dangerous items laying around in a 2 foot area from the floor up.  She has become a pro at both skills in relative short time.   We also bought a house site unseen and moved to ILM.  We never saw the house prior to pulling up the first day we arrived minus some internet picture . That’s definitely not something I would ever do again but it’s worked out OK and we got it at a decent price.

Besides that little update I was going to keep this at the business at hand and drop some knowledge on you.  I’m dropping bombs on your Moms.   It’s funny I was wondering what the hell I was going to talk about and then sometimes it just drops in your lap.  As I sit here in my home office (more on that in later weeks) I pretty much watch CNBC the majority day.   Lately the business of sport and the world of finance (that’s pronounced FIN NANCE)  have been colliding every now and then.  This morning was no different and in fact the segment was really was geared more towards the Fantasy Football world.   They had the CEO of Fan Duel (the daily game fantasy site) and it just so happened I was going to be ranting about Fantasy Leagues in general.   Before I go into that rant, allow me to relay some interesting information they showed during that segment

Avg age of Fantasy player:  34

Avg hours they spend a week on fantasy leagues:  8.67 hrs

Percentage of players with college degrees:  78.1%

Average Annual Spend on Leagues:  $111

The one that sticks out for me is the last one.  I think over the next few years $111 will start to go up as more people start allocating monies towards these types of fantasy leagues in place of traditional game betting.  I think Fantasy betting will start to pull even with traditional sports betting in the future.

Recently, the long time football league I’ve been in decided not to continue for many of the same reasons leagues die.  Guys dont pay or don’t take care of their teams.  It seems like its an endless shuffle to track guys down or replace guys and it becomes annoying.    It’s very difficult to run a league where the same members are apart of the league every year and there is no problem with payment.   A few weeks before I found out the league was disbanding I actually started looking into FanDuel as my new fantasy platform.  I’ve been tinkering around it the last few weeks and I’ve really bought into this weekly salary cap platform.  Let’s face it, most year long fantasy football leagues are won and lost many times purely on draft slot and luck.  If you drafted Peyton Manning you at worst got to the finals last year.   I’ve been in plenty of drafts and I don’t think I’ve ever done well in like the 6, 7 or 8th slot.  You want either front end or back end of the draft and if you don’t get it your behind the 8 ball from the get go.  A great thing about the weekly leagues is you can go heavy or light in particular weeks.  You can pick from $1 to multiple thousand dollar leagues.  They also have head to head option which is great because all you have to beat is one dude.  You can also enter the large tourneys for long odds but big payouts if that suits your fancy.  It pretty much has something for everyone.    It inspired me to create a new section of the blog going forward.   You’ll see below where I’ll be posting my weekly lineup in those leagues and will also post results.  I’m going to start out slow with that betting maybe $10-$20 a week until I get what works best for the scoring systems.  It seems to be relatively standard scoring systems but they all have slight variables.


 Just a quick one.  Need to do more research on these going forward.  With that said, dames shouldn’t be allowed to park any car at any time.


This is my first go around on this site so I’m very interested to see how it goes.  I entered a 5 person $10 league.  Winner takes $45.  I’m just trying to get a feel of it for the first week or 2.  To give you an idea of some of the top dollar guys at various positions:   P Manning $10,200,  Jamal Charles $9,800, Megatron $9,200, Jimmy Graham $8,100.  All too rich for my blood.  I’m going with more of the balanced approach trying to take advantage of match ups.   We’ll see how it goes

QB Alex Smith $6,900

RB L McCoy  $9,400

RB R Jennings $6,700

WR K Allen $7,200

WR E Sander $6,400

WR M Crabtree $6,500

TE V Davis $6,300

K B McManus $5,000

D Chiefs  $5,400



Just a few changes in how make picks.  I am going to pick every game but have the right to pick a over under if I don’t like the line.  I’m also going to be implement is the selection of 3 Best bets every week.  These are the bets I will comprise a parlay or teaser from.  I will not make parlay or teaser bets every week.  But when I do I will also calculate those.    I won’t be making score prediction either, it’s fucking pointless.     Lastly, I’m working on a format that will make the inputting of the picks and results much fast.   I’ll probably tinker with how this looks but it’s my first go around with it.  I will also probably run into some ties as why I pull the lines from are a consensus of all Vegas odds so there is no way to change them to half points.  Again just a time saver.

 Off we go on the 2014 season!!!

NFL WEEK 1 Lines1jpg_Page1


Week 1 Results

Best Bets

These Will update next week

Quote of the Week

Since there are only so many family guy lines, I’m just going to incorporate any line from anything so I have a broader selection.  This week’s:

“Black people are way more susceptible to diabetes.  That’s not racist it’s just a medical fact.   Now if I said, “hide you wallets, there’s diabetes patients around,”  That would be racist. “

-Ari Shaffir


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